Ed. note – Jessica ‘Lobster Mobster’ Hudnall’s read-through of Tank Abbott’s weird, overtly-racist debut novel Befor There Were Rules, A Trilogy By #1 MMA Cagefighting Legend David “Tank” Abbott, Book One, Bar Brawler, A Novel continues. Here’s your prerequisite reading, which you should commit to memory and know by heart:
Part 1 – Foreword, Prologue, Chapter 1
Today: HIGH COURT ROOM DRAMA in chapters 14-16.
Chapter Fourteen – Railroad Job:
Walter wakes up and it is finally pre-trial day! In the past four weeks, he has graduated from college, sold garage doors, and worked out. He gets to the courthouse, and John Wittless (Or as he’s sometimes referred to in the book, John Witless) says Abe Contrary is offering a 99-day sentence, but Walt’s having none of that. They head to the court room, and Foxx’s stomach drops to discover some “old blueblood” lady is his judge! Walter whines about the judge not understanding what his life is all about, and then whines about the district attorneys screwing over the dumb criminals, but he’s too smart for some geek DA to get over on him. Wittless enters a plea of not guilty, and court is set in two weeks.
Walt heads home, shares breakfast with Adolf, then goes out on some garage door bids. He meets a lady that claims he’s destined for greater things in life. He finishes his bids, picks up Adolf, grabs some vodka and cranberry, and does some more drunk driving. Out for a twelve pack, but there’s nothing happening in Happening Beach, so it’s home to drink beers with Hitler-Dog. Walt wakes up, takes Adolf with him to boxing practice, and imagines Abe Contrary’s face on the heavy bag. Walt repeats the process of work, training, and mild partying until the two weeks are up and it’s officially Trial Time.
Wittless lets Walt know that the 99-day offer is still on the table, but Foxx refuses, so it’s time to select a jury (Probably not of Walt’s peers, but it’ll be close enough). The jury is chosen, and there’s not many sympathetic faces that Walt can spot (It’s a “hard-ass construction-looking guy”, a surfer, six middle-aged or older women, two white collar dudes, and three college-age girls. I don’t know if Walt/Tank is smart enough to put 13 down because of alternates, or he just lost count). Walter and Wittless go over the witness list and Walt points out some obvious flaws in the victim’s story that Wittless missed. Walter spots a familiar name on the witness list and excuses himself so he can call Mikey to make sure that Bo Bradley doesn’t testify if he knows what’s good for him (So lying is out, but witness intimidation is fine? WHATEVER, WALT!). Walter returns to the court room and it is time to call the first witness.
Fight Stats:
• Did Walter fight? Nope.
Key lines: “I can tell she’s an intellectual with no concept of the street rules of behavior or of personal combat.”
Well, Walt, when it comes to judges, they mostly deal with the legal rules of behavior and don’t give a shit about what goes on in THE STREETS.
“She’s the type of person who’s read a thousand books but never lived a page.”
Is that the purpose of this novel? To let the stuffy types experience one iota of Tank Abbott’s life? Because if so, Tank’s life seems pretty crappy, just getting drunk and punching dudes that are, at worst, slightly annoying.
“Wittless looks as stupid as his name today.”
Bullshit, Tank! You can’t give a character a stupid name and then have your dumb, asshole protagonist call him out on that dumb name.
“I’ll put your face in my ghostly memory and come back and haunt your ass, you bastard.”
Walter Foxx is going to be racist FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!
“I can’t help but think that a fence can also keep people in.”
Whoa, I never thought about the true duality of fences like that before, Walter! So you’re saying that when a man puts up a border to protect himself, he’s actually isolating himself from the rest of the world? Deep stuff, bro. (Where is the sarcasm button on my computer, is it broken again?)
“Abe Contrary starts his voir doir and evaluates the jurors.”
I think you mean “voir dire”, Walt.
Chapter Fifteen – Trial of Error:
The first witness is Jose Ganuze, a cop that’s been instructed to lie by La Mentiroso’s detective dad. The officer claims to have seen Walter running away from the scene of the crime, and Walt wants Wittless to ask Ganuze how he knew it was Foxx. Wittless ignores Walter, which infuriates Walt because according to him, the only way Ganuze could identify him would be by his license plate, which would contradict La Mentiroso’s story about Walter being on foot. Wittless finishes with Ganuze, and now it’s a friend of La Mentiroso’s girlfriend on the stand.
She says that her, Jerome, and Amy, Jerome’s girlfriend were out, but weren’t drunk. Jerome only had one beer all night. Wittless barely presses her, then allows her to be excused. There’s a brief recess and Walter starts to realize Wittless is an awful attorney. Back to the case and now Amy’s on the stand. She repeats the standard story of Walt and a long-haired friend pissing on a church, Jerome giving the two men a stern talking to, Walt and the long-hair chasing Jerome, catching him, and bashing his head into the pavement, crying the entire time. Wittless asks if her or Jerome were drinking, but they’re marathon runners and don’t imbibe frequently (Walt has to stifle a laugh, as he spent most of the time describing how fat Amy is), then checks if her and Jerome were arguing that night, but silly John Wittless, they have a wonderful relationship!
With Amy done, it is time for the main event, Jerome La Mentiroso, to take the stand. He tells the same story as everyone else and cries during his testimony. Wittless doesn’t get anything out of Jerome, and the State rests their case. Judge Paris ends things for the day, but it’s the defense’s turn at 8AM the next morning. It’s the next morning, and the defense’s first witness is Marty Manley, Walter’s replacement at the liquor store. He didn’t see the fight, but has heard about it plenty before there even was the threat of a trial looming. Marty tells the true story and fends off all of Contrary’s cross examination questions. Next up is Mikey, and he’s calm and confident, hewing to the same thing Marty said. After Mikey it’s Dick, who does just as well, and then Grant. Walter is finally feeling confident as Judge Paris calls a break for lunch.
Fight Stats:
• Did Walter fight? No.
Key lines: “The DA finishes with his case and John Wittless gets up and struts to the witness stand like the little man he is, all form and no substance in his ice cream suit and pompadour blond hair.”
Wittless wishes he could wear an ice cream suit a tenth as good as Mr. Excitement himself, John Laurinaitis does.
“I enter the courtroom five minutes early and the jury is already there with Queen Paris sitting on her thrown.”
Holy shit, did Philip J. Fry write this crummy book?
Chapter Sixteen – Truth Will Prevail:
The lunch break is over and it’s back to the court room, where Walter fantasizes about beating up Abe Contrary. Wittless calls Dick Johnson (LOL) to the stand, and Dick basically parrots Walt’s version of events. Wittless closes by saying he’s been on the wrong end of a street beating, but he took his lumps like a man. The jury heads out to deliberate and Walter is a nervous wreck.
It’s the moment of truth and Walter Foxx is found not guilty on the sole count of assault with a deadly weapon (BOO!). However, Walt is found guilty on the lesser included count of simple assault (EAT IT, FOXX!) Walt is completely taken aback on this extra charge, as it turns out Wittless agreed to it the previous day during lunch with Paris and Contrary. Wittless takes Walter aside for a short break before sentencing to instruct Walt to remain calm and not flip out like he’s prone to do.
Judge Paris checks over Walt’s extensive file and hands down the maximum sentence, six months in jail despite Wittless pushing for community service and a fine. Walt gets five weeks to prepare, and then it’s off to jail for Walter.
Fight Stats:
• Did Walter fight? Nope.
Key lines: “Right now, if I could get away with it, I’d rip his geek ass out of the chair by his tie, pull him over my hip, and straighten my left leg to make his feet leave the ground.”
The thoughts of a completely innocent man, ladies and gentlemen!
“When I’m super fat, like I am now, I just want to rub my gut.”
First, gross. Second, I thought Walt was hitting the weights, and boxing and wrestling gyms on a daily basis. Did court stress make him balloon back up to 300 pounds?
“He’s too dumb to realize that he’s too much of an idiot to judge anyone; but then he showed up for jury duty which tells you something.”
Is it that he’s dumb?
“Was it mercy that stayed my hand or stupidity?”
It was pity that stayed your hand! Oh, wait, you aren’t Bilbo Baggins.
“You can’t look into the eyes of the gorgon for long without turning to stone.”
Wait, he knows what the f**k a gorgon is?
“I just made it through the rocket’s red glare, too, and I’m still here as well.”
And by “still here” Walter means “biding my time for five weeks until I go to prison for half a year.”
Be sure to visit With Leather again soon for Part 6, featuring chapters 17-19.