Never in a million years would I have ever thought I’d say, “Please, bring back Bow Wow.” But there I was last night, flipping through the channels during a timeout in the Miami Heat’s series-clinching victory over the Indiana Pacers, when I stumbled upon the film Like Mike 2: Streetball, as it aired on BET. I was 23 when the original Like Mike was in theaters, so it wasn’t exactly my type of film, and needless to say that a 2006 straight-to-DVD sequel wouldn’t be my cup of Sanka either.
But there it was, in all its glory – the rehashed, recycled and redonkulous sequel to the story of a kid who receives the magical ability to play basketball like Michael Jordan from a pair of dirty old sneakers hanging from a power line. This time, instead of Bow Wow’s Calvin Cambridge, the young hero is Jascha Washington’s Jerome, who is the son of a streetball legend and therefore wants to be the best as well. The only problem is he’s too young and small and clichéd.
After he learns the pain of losing – at the hands of a team led by a goofy white kid in a dew rag who poorly channels C-Tates, natch – Jerome discovers the magical shoes and basically goes on the same adventure as Calvin before him, except instead of the NBA he competes in the world’s biggest streetball tournament. The biggest takeaway from this film is that the director has never watched people play basketball in his life.
But at the heart of it, this is a film about family, and Jerome’s family sucks at acting. There’s a scene in which Jerome’s older cousin comes home from schooling haters on the court, and all he wants are his Cheetos. Seriously, he screams for Cheetos like he’s about to beat someone to death, and the fact that he doesn’t is actually a letdown. It’s also important to note that one of Jerome’s young friends is a fat white kid with a Judd Apatow film jewfro who can’t overcome his fear of playing basketball. Jerome resolves that by giving him cornrows, as you can see in the DVD cover.
Alas, I simply could not watch all of it, so here’s the only real clip of Like Mike 2 on YouTube, set to the original film’s theme song. Be glad that you can’t hear the lines.
I’m going to spend the next few days imploring Danger Guerrero to watch this film and give us his patented review, because I think we need it and this film certainly deserves it. But in the meantime, I wanted to actually pitch my own movie idea to any of the hundreds of Hollywood execs that I know read this blog on a daily basis.
I give you, Like Mike 3: Boner of an Owner…
Ext. Poorly Lit Neighborhood Basketball Court – Night.
13-year old Quincy Jenkins has just lost a one-on-one game to the local bully. Quincy can’t afford to pay the $5 they bet, so the bully pops his ball and pushes him down in a puddle, ruining his already worn out Velcro Roos.
Man, I’m never going to be any good at basketball. I wish I could just be a little taller and faster, and then I’d show everyone that I’m the best ever.
Lightning strikes a telephone line and a street light explodes. Quincy looks up and notices a pair of $6,000 custom Crockett & Jones alligator skin wingtip dress shoes hanging from the pole. He climbs up and grabs them. Suddenly, an old, short, white, Jewish man appears.
Magical Jewish Man
Well hello, son. Those are some fancy dress shoes that you’ve found. Say, I’ve got a NBA franchise for sale, would you be interested in buying it?
I’d love to, but I don’t have that kind of money.
Magical Jewish Man
Well what’s with that giant mountain of cash behind you?
Quincy turns around to see a massive pile of cash that must be hundreds of millions of dollars.
Magical Jewish Man
So what do you say, kid? Would you like to be the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats?
Boy, would I!
Int. Time Warner Cable Arena – The Next Day.
Quincy is now wearing a mismatched green and brown velvet suit with a black Hanes t-shirt, as he smokes a Cuban cigar while an elderly barber grooms his Hitler mustache. His 13-year old best friend, a fat Chinese kid named Duck, stands near, reading him a list of free agents.
Sir, here are the free agents available in this offseason… Lamar Odom, Gerald Wallace, Jason Kidd, Baron Davis…
Sounds great, give them all max deals.
But sir, Baron Davis shredded his knee and may never play again.
I like it, he’s under the radar. Double max deal! What pick do we have?
Probably the first overall.
Excellent. Trade it for Jason Richardson and release Bismack Biyombo. Someone call Charles Oakley, I’m ready to golf. Also, call Las Vegas and put $1 million on black. I’m the greatest ever!
The Magical Jewish Man cackles in the distance. End scene.