Look at these two hockey bros. They’re everything that’s wrong with men today. They have a clear, open opportunity to beat each other’s faces into the cold, hard ice and they just spin around in circles like a couple of toothless dreidels. Their teammates should have just surrounded them and started snapping and hissing before they all broke out into song.
Whatever, this won’t ever happen in my new sport, Fight Ball. It’s like hockey but with no ice, sticks, pucks, clocks, referees, goals or gloves. It’s actually just two teams of five men fighting until only one person is left standing. That dude’s team wins. Oh, but then he gets fed to a shark. Anyway, tryouts are next week.
WWE Monday Night Raw – 8 PM ET on USA
I think a great story line for an upcoming RAW show would be the Rock entering the arena and acting like a big, old badass, but after several minutes he realizes that nobody is even paying attention to him. Hell, CM Punk doesn’t even want to fight him. So he stops some jobber in the backstage area and asks why everyone is ignoring him, while including a joke about pie or tits or something, and even the jobber just ignores him and walks away.
Rocky then heads out to the ring to get to the bottom of this childish game and he grabs the mic and is all, “Finally… the Rock… has come BACK…” and the crowd isn’t even into it. But just as the Rock is going to raise his eyebrow and throw an elbow pad, the entire locker room comes out, led by John Cena and The Miz. Cena starts to say something but Miz stops him and says, “I got this.”
He continues, “Rock, we know that you’re here as the champion because you have five movies to promote in 2013 and we’re all cool with that, because like me with The Marine 3 – now available on Blu-Ray (and the crowd pops) – we all want to follow in your footsteps and become huge action stars after our time in the WWE is up.”
And then the Rock interrupts him with: “It doesn’t matter what you want to do!” to which Miz replies, “Actually, it does, Dwayne. You see, you’re in GI Joe: Retaliation, which is the sequel to a movie that was so bad that Channing Tatum asked to be killed off. Seriously, Channing Tatum didn’t want to be in the movie anymore. What are you doing with your career, man?”
Then it hits the Rock, like Rikishi’s b-hole in his nose. He drops the mic, his eyebrow lowers. He exits the ring, ashamed to even look at the audience, which has just become dead silent, except for one guy who keeps screaming, “WHAT?” The superstars clear a path as Rock walks up the ramp, but he stops as he reaches Punk, and lays the belt over the former champ’s shoulder. Rock mouths, “I’m sorry” and heads into the back area, never to be seen again.
NCAA Basketball: Cincinnati at Louisville – 7 PM ET on ESPN
NCAA Basketball: Texas Tech at Kansas – 7 PM ET on ESPN U
NCAA Women’s Basketball: Connecticut at Notre Dame – 7 PM ET on ESPN 2
There have been plenty of opinions flying around about the new Adidas Adizero uniforms being worn by six teams in the NCAA Tournament this year, with most people – myself included – going for the easy Zubaz jokes. So I tip my cap to the folks at Korked Bats for a series of photoshops that included this brilliant gem:
R U Faster Than a Redneck – 9 PM ET on SPEED
I’m only including this again because last time I mentioned it, TV Guide listed it as “Are You Faster Than a Redneck?” and now it has been shortened to just letters. Maybe that’s how it’s always been, but I like to think that the bros at Speed were like, “Guys, it’s not working, we have to make this show even stupider!”