Here are your quick and dirty, editorial-free results for WWE Extreme Rules 2013.
1. Chris Jericho defeated Fandango. Jericho countered a leap from the top rope into a Codebreaker for the win.
2. Dean Ambrose defeated Kofi Kingston to become the new United States Champion. Ambrose avoided Trouble in Paradise from Kingston and hit a bulldog driver to become the new champ.
3. Sheamus defeated Mark Henry in a strap match. Sheamus won by Brogue Kicking Henry and dragging him to all four corners, per the stipulation of the match. This went about 8 minutes.
4. Alberto Del Rio defeated Jack Swagger in an I Quit Match to become the number one contender to the World Heavyweight Championship. Zeb Colter originally won the match for Swagger by knocking down Ricardo Rodriguez and “throwing in the towel,” but his ruse was revealed via instant replay and the match continued. Del Rio made Swagger submit in the cross armbreaker.
5. The Shield (Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins) defeated Team Hell No (Daniel Bryan and Kane) to become the new WWE Tag Team Champions. The Shield won with a combination torture rack/knee drop/slam to win the titles. Now every member of The Shield has a championship.
6. Randy Orton defeated The Big Show in an Extreme Rules Match. Orton hit an RKO onto a steel chair, then punted Big Show in the head to win the match.
7. The Last Man Standing Match between WWE Champion John Cena and Ryback was ruled a No Contest. Ryback picked up Cena and crashed through the set, leaving both men unconscious. Cena was carried away in a neck brace.
8. Brock Lesnar defeated Triple H in a steel cage match. WWE debuted a new, “reinforced” steel cage here. Lesnar won with an F5 in about 20 minutes.