If you don’t follow pro wrestling, here’s a succinct recap of the last two months: 5-foot-8, goat-faced wrestler Daniel Bryan happens to be the best pro wrestler in the world, but the people running WWE don’t want him to represent them as WWE Champion. In August, he pinned Face Of The Company John Cena to win the championship, but was immediately attacked by special guest referee HIS BOSS, which allowed a guy the boss likes (tall, handsome Randy Orton) to sneak in and win the belt instead. Those two had a rematch over the weekend at WWE Night Of Champions which Bryan won fair-and-square, but the referee was on the take and counted an unnecessarily fast three-count so the WWE brass could reverse the decision and once again keep the belt away from the fan favorite. That happened the next night on Raw.
It’s a simple, effective, easy-to-follow story that gets the crowd behind Daniel Bryan and makes them want to see him kick all the bad people in the head. You know, because wrestling is a television show and not a legitimate sporting contest. Well, according to a report from Awful Annnouncing pro wrestling is still real to some people, dammit, and those people called their cable provider to demand refunds for Night Of Champions following Bryan being stripped of the title on Raw. The cable companies laughed in their face, explained the difference between reality and fiction and hung up the phone.
Just kidding, they gave the wrestling fans refunds.
An Elite member wrote me to tell me that he called Cox Cable and asked for a refund due to the finish of the Night Of Champions PPV being overturned. He said that Cox eventually gave it to him and the representative told him that other people had asked for a refund for the same reason.
SINCE WHEN CAN YOU DO THAT
I’m going to start calling my cable company and demanding refunds for ANYTHING. Call them up all, “hey Time Warner Cable, I really wanted Cody Rhodes to win Money in the Bank but his tag team partner Damien Sandow turned on him and shoved him off a ladder and won the match instead. I demand a refund.” Now that this precedent has been set, how can they refuse me?
In fact, I’d like to retroactively demand refunds for the following shows:
1. The last two WrestleManias, which were main-evented by horrible Rock/Cena matches and cost me several hundred dollars to attend. I’d also like to get a refund for the souvenir soda I bought, because the outside of it has started to chip and R-Truth’s face looks all scratchy now.
2. Unforgiven ’99. Chris Jericho was supposed to wrestle Ken Shamrock, but Shamrock got hurt and X-Pac was put into the match instead. No dice. Also, that’s the show where “dogs pissing everywhere and humping each other” was an obstacle in a cage match. I deserve five times my money back.
3. WWE owns the WCW tape library, right? I want a refund for that three-team War Games at Fall Brawl 98. The Ultimate Warrior teleported in and out of the ring in a plume of steam. Are you kidding me? I’d also like a refund for that nWo/Horsemen War Games where Curt Hennig turned on the Horsemen and they all got handcuffed to the cage walls, because ughhh that made me so mad.
4. Every pay-per-view Ashley Massaro ever wrestled on.
5. Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007. They advertised a CM Punk vs. Chris Benoit dream match. Why didn’t that happen?
UPDATE: WWE has issued a statement in response to this getting around.
“While certain fans may not have liked the continuing storyline following Night of Champions, we’re certain that the 3-hour pay-per-view event delivered all the entertainment and excitement expected from WWE.”