#the 90s

This vintage Kirk Cameron abstinence video from the 90s is fantastic

By | 55 Comments

Our friends at <a href="http://www.everythingisterrible.com/2013/01/having-sex-makes-you-pregnant-with-aids.html" target="_blank">EverythingIsTerrible</a> always dig up the best stuff (in fact, it was they who first introduced me to the <a href="http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2011/03/arnold-schwarzenegger-in-rio-possibly-the-best-video-ever" target="_blank">Arnold in Rio</a> video referenced in the <a href="http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2013/01/picture-of-arnold-schwarzenegger-performing-sex-act-found-in-bob-guccione-storage-locker" target="_blank">previous post</a>, something for which I can never repay them), and this latest video is no different.

TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Mitt Romney saw Twilight with his wife

By | 27 Comments

Mitt Romney's 51 - 48 loss in last week's election could have been even worse if the American people had known that the guy constantly chiding Obama for looking weak was the same guy letting his wife drag him to a screening of Twilight over the weekend, where these blurry pictures were taken.

#TRAILERS

The Twilight Breaking Dawn Trailer, with Captions

By | 25 Comments

The trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the last chapter in Stephenie Meyer's story of abs and abstinence, landed online late last night.

#TRAILERS

Scene Breakdown: 1st Trailer for Twilight: Breaking Dawn

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Breaking Dawn (aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus) is famously Stephenie Meyer's <a href="http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/12/how-many-more-twilights-will-there-be" target="_blank">most batsh*t book </a>(which is saying something).

#TRAILERS

Move over, Twilight, there’s a new abstinence movie in town

By | 19 Comments

Ever since Kirk Cameron <a href="http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2008/09/box-office-shia-1-kirk-cameron-4" target="_blank">got rich</a> <a href="http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/02/kirk-cameron-loves-marriage-sweaters/fireproof-computerbat" target="_blank">beating up his computer </a>for showing him porn and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2z-OLG0KyR4" target="_blank">disproving evolution</a> by showing how the human hand is perfectly formed to eat monkey food, fundamentalist Christians have become the great untapped movie market.

Twilight

Pictures: Abstinent vampires consummate like THIS

By | 7 Comments

Part one of the final chapter of Twilight, Breaking Dawn, aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, opens in November, featuring Edward the chaste vampire finally consummating his inexplicable love for his sullen, charmless bride (ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS EAT HER, BUT HE CAN'T, BECAUSE HER SMELL DRIVES HIM CRAZY).

TWILIGHT SAGA

New Twilight pic shows where Snorkels the Vampire Fetus was conceived

By | 15 Comments

Yesterday, the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Facebook page offered Twilight fans a special Valentine's Day treat --  (to cats) GATHER AROUND, MY PRETTIES, I HAVE EXCITING NEWS -- a new picture from the set.

Twilight

Twihards Go Crazy for Implied Rough Vampire Sex

By | 27 Comments

As a Thanksgiving present, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon shared the above picture <a href="http://twitpic.com/3a1a09" target="_blank">on Twitter</a>, the first picture from the movie version of Breaking Dawn, the last chapter of Stephenie Meyer's shirtless dude-filled abstinence parable.

Vampires

Twi-tards are biting each other now

By | 34 Comments

And now, from the you-probably-saw-this-coming files, it seems that Twilight kids have  taken to biting each other, and not just because they mistook their friends for delicious, delicious Twinkies.

VAMPIRE SHOES

Twilight shoes even gayer than expected

By | 75 Comments

Afraid you're too unfashionable to be accepted into the local foppish goth coven.

Twilight

Twilight Eclipse opens bigger than Dark Knight

By | 9 Comments

You have to figure a movie that gets <a href="http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2010/06/supreme-court-hearing-includes-question-of-team-edward-or-team-jacob" target="_blank">mentioned during a congressional hearing</a> would make a c*ntload of dough, and you'd be right.

Twilight

Twilight premiere spawns a tent city – “Lonesome Town”

By | 45 Comments

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse doesn't premiere until tomorrow night at the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles, but that didn't stop hundreds of Twilight fans from camping out there since SUNDAY, creating a tent city, which I've dubbed "Lonesome Town.

TELEPATHIC VAMPIRES

SOFIA COPPOLA’S ‘LOST IN TELEPATHIC VAMPIRE FETUS’

By | 13 Comments

(Bella's <a href="http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/02/twilight-fans-perfectly-normal-healthy" target="_blank">broken vampire fetus</a>) Remember Breaking Dawn.

WIENERS

THAT’S NOT TAYLOR LAUTNER, IT’S AN ABS-POSTOR!

By | 30 Comments

(as discovered by <a href="http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/2010/02/new-moon-stolen-six-pack.html" target="_blank">PhotoShopDisasters</a>) Twilight's Taylor Lautner's rippling stomach muscles are famous the world over for putting the "abs" in "abstinence parable," especially in the New Moon poster.

VAMPIRE BABIES

BREAKING DAWN TO HAVE AN ALL-CG, TELEPATHIC VAMPIRE BABY

By | 46 Comments

(<a href="http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/36812123.html" target="_blank">source</a>) Breaking Dawn is the Twilight book that comes after New Moon, and if you've read t who really cares.

Twilight

MOST ENTERTAINING TRAINWRECK OF 2009: TWILIGHT FANS

By | 71 Comments

Not opinion, indisputable fact: there has never been a bottomless fountain of the entertainingly pathetic like Twilight fans.

Twilight

THE 10 MOST DEPRESSING ‘MY LIFE IS TWILIGHT’ ENTRIES

By | 54 Comments

(Homemade Bella womb, <a href="http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/02/twilight-fans-perfectly-normal-healthy">remember that</a>.

Twilight

HOW MANY MORE TWILIGHTS WILL THERE BE?

By | 31 Comments

<a href="http://weblogs.variety.com/bfdealmemo/2009/11/summit-ponders-twilight-finale.html" target="_blank">Variety</a> and <a href="http://www.collider.com/2009/11/30/the-twilight-saga-breaking-dawn-could-be-broken-into-two-movies/">Collider</a> have the latest on the Twilight front (yep, there's one of those now), which is basically that the studio wants to break the final book, Breaking Dawn, into two movies, only they don't have the logistics worked out yet (they want Chris Weitz to return as director but he's not signed).


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