THE HELMET IT DID NOTHING

Doling Out Fines All Week Can Give You An Appetite

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Yes, yes, we know that it's Carl Johnson and Merton Hanks that handle the NFL's "disciplinary" issues; we know our way around the 17th floor of 280 Park better than most.

VIDEOS

Your NFL Recap: Week 9

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<a href="http://smokingsection.uproxx.com/TSS/?p=145768"> Halfway through the season and we’re right where we started. Okay, maybe the Cowboys, Bills and a few other teams have sucked their way out of contention but well over 20 teams still have a chance at playoff contention. The top of the heap has no separation — there’s no ’07 Patriots or ’09 Colts and Saints running towards destiny. Instead, a bunch of flawed contenders trade big wins with shocking losses. The Philadelphia Eagles exemplify this schizophrenic season, although some of this has to be pinned on their quarterback exchange. With Michael Vick back behind center this week and DeSean Jackson back running all over the field, the Eagles took out Peyton and the Colts. The game wasn’t without controversy as Peyton floated one over the middle for Austin Collie in the second half, leading to this devastating hit and fumble: Of course in an effort to go along with Roger Goodell and the No Fun League’s paternalistic crackdown on defensive hits, Philly was assessed a 15 yard penalty. Yes, this hit was brutal and Collie probably lost a year off his life because of it, but the rules are the rules. You can’t throw flags and fine people hard earned cash just because the result looks ugly. Elsewhere in the NFC, the Giants and Saints took big steps back towards the Super Bowl with road blowout wins. Eli Manning and Hakeem Nicks ended Seattle’s hopes to be taken seriously by putting up 40 points on the West Coast. The Saints meanwhile had an even easier time of it against the hapless Panthers, as the Saints D held the Panthers to under 100 yards passing. Of course, New Orleans still has to navigate the NFC South, where they find themselves a game and a half behind the Falcons. Atlanta beat a frisky Tampa team in the Georgia dome thanks to a 100 yard game from a rejuvenated Michael Turner. After <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Raheem-Morris-says-Bucs-are-the-best-team-in-th?urn=nfl-279604">proclamations of greatness</a>, I guess coach Raheem Morris will have to settle with the Bucs being the third best team in the division.

NBA

TONY PARKER ISN’T DISTRACTED

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If you want Tony Parker to miss a free throw, throw away that beard Longoria and get a cardboard cutout of me from my calendar shoot.

WAGS

PARKER-LONGORIA MORE ANNOYING THAN EVER

By | 28 Comments

I'm cool with pro athletes making more over the course of a game than I will all year.

NBA

DEATH SPARES NOT THE PARKER

By | 18 Comments

<a href="http://dlisted.com/node/22598" target="_blank">In an interview</a> to promote an unwatchable movie in which she plays the ghost of a vindictive controlling harridan trying to cuntblock some woman from sleeping with her man after she dies, vindictive controlling harridan Eva Longoria said she'd do the same thing to Tony Parker even if she did the world a solid and stepped in front of a firing squad tomorrow.

TATTOOS

WHICH SPORTS TATTOO IS WORSE?

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The image on the left is the <a href="http://dlisted.com/node/22186" target="_blank">back of Eva Longoria's neck</a>, which now sports a tattoo of the word "nine," presumably because husband Tony Longoria wears that jersey number for the Spurs.

TONY ROMO

EVA LONGORIA WEIGHS IN ON ROMO-SIMPSON

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Eva Longoria and Jessica Simpson are both getting hollowed out by Texas sports stars, and that's all the reason Longoria needs to open her mouth and piss me off.

NBA

TONY PARKER FAITHFUL TO ANNOYING HAG

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I've said my share of bad things about Tony Parker, like how he's a whiny bitch, and how he's a cowardly Frenchman, and how he probably shaves at night just so he can sport his stupid stubble, and how he's a moron for marrying Eva Longoria past her prime, or how she's probably a beard for his gay lifestyle, et cetera.

NBA

SHOCKING EVIDENCE OF TONY PARKER’S AFFAIR

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Despite Eva and Tony Longoria's denials that the Spurs point guard <a href="../post.phtml?pk=4563">had an affair with French model Alexandra Paressant</a>, X17 -- which broke the story -- has stuck to its guns, claiming Paressant has over 50 text messages from T-Pizzle.

WAGS

TONY PARKER CHEATED ON EVA? WITH A GIRL?

By | 26 Comments

As we all know, rapping Frenchman/Spurs douche-guard Tony Longoria got married in July to his long-time leash-holder Eva, star of that crappy TV show where all the chicks are old.

WAGS

TONY LONGORIA-EVA LONGORIA SEX TAPE?

By | 16 Comments

Eva Longoria and her wife, Spurs point guard Tony, <a href="http://www.latimes.com/news/la-na-myth1sep01,0,28423.story?track=mostviewed-storylevel" target="_blank">are back in the States</a> after their French wedding, and now reports are surfacing that they have a sex tape, according to the bastion of journalism that is <a href="http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2004580002-2007450554,00.html" target="_blank">The Sun</a>.

NBA

CHUPACABRA CAPTURED!

By | 5 Comments

You may remember the <a href="http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=2932" title="With Leather" target="_blank">Chief referred to Tony Parker's new bride</a> as a "Chupacabra", a mythical blood-sucking beast.

NBA

THE MOST ROMANTIC HONEYMOON EVER?

By | 36 Comments

Frenchman Tony Parker and painted gremlin Eva Longoria <a href="http://www.pr-inside.com/eva-longoria-and-tony-parker-spent-r173478.htm" target="_blank">returned from their honeymoon on Sunday</a>, and it was every bit as sexy as you could expect from a whiny member of the Spurs and an overrated TV star who needs four pounds of makeup to make sure people who see her don't turn into stone.

NBA

ANTICHRIST NOT DUE ANYTIME SOON

By | 32 Comments

For the first time in a long while, Hollywood writers and producers are actually doing something good.

NBA

CONGRATULATIONS, TARDS

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I can't let another day pass without offering an official congratulations to Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, who completed their unholy union by exchanging vows in a French castle on Saturday, the super-lucky 7-7-07 that will ensure they last forever and ever.

NBA

NOBODY STOPPED TONY PARKER

By | 27 Comments

Spurs guard Tony Parker and shape-shifting demon Eva Longoria were married in a civil ceremony in Paris today, fulfilling Step 1 in Satan's plan to flip the gender roles in his remake of Rosemary's Baby.

NBA

PARKER-LONGORIA WEDDING IS ALMOST HERE

By | 34 Comments

As I'm sure you all know, Spurs guard Tony Parker and his hateful shrike of a fiancee are getting married on July 7th, a date I have circled on my calendar.

NBA

TONY PARKER IS A SWELL GUY

By | 21 Comments

Basketball and hockey season may be over, but wedding season is in full effect.


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