Now that we’ve got all that Canada pandering out of the way, it’s time to talk about what really matters: AMERICA. For this week, we celebrate our Independence Day. July 4th will be spent eating massive amounts of food, drinking ungodly gallons of beer from flag-wrapped beer bottles, blowing sh*t up in the sky, and bitching about the new Jay-Z album. It’s going to be great, but until then, I’d like to take a moment to recognize some TV show characters that embody everything occasionally evil, but most greatly about this country of ours. Haha, not Australia — that’s the GREATEST country — but America. It’s the dream we all share. It’s the hope for tomorrow. F*CK. YEAH.
1. Richard Harrow
The right to the world’s most convincing plastic surgery.
2. Stan Rizzo
The right to grow a magnif(*cking)icent beard.
3. Liz Lemon
The right to LOVE, the right to LIFE, the right to night cheese.
4. Lucille Bluth
The right to get drunk during the day. And afternoon. And late afternoon. And early evening.
5. Daryl Dixon
The right to name a baby after a physical threat.
6. Keith Charles and David Fisher
The right to BE WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT.
7. Tina Belcher
The right to philosophize (about sex toys).