The Price of Beauty (VH1) — Series premiere. Hey, remember when we all made fun of Jessica Simpson for wearing those mom jeans? Well, we hurt her feelings, so she went around the world to see what women in other cultures do to meet expectations of beauty. But not Jessica! She’s not gonna stay in shape just because that’s why she got famous. She’s so brave. Like a modern-day Joan of Arc.
20/20 (ABC) — The crew investigates behind the scenes of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” Wow, an ABC news show reporting on an ABC reality show? The journalistic integrity is staggering.
Top Gear (BBC America) — Season premiere. Eric Bana makes an appearance tonight. I have no fondness for cars whatsoever, and I still like this show.
Gossip Girl (CW) — I can’t even pretend to care enough to write a synopsis for tonight’s episode, but I’m still in total approval of the show’s female talent.
Chuck (NBC) — Oh hey, Robert Patrick plays Casey’s former commander. You’ll always be the T-1000 to me, Bob.
Animal Cops: Miami (Animal Planet) — After “Whale Wars,” this has to be the most disappointing name of any show on television. WHY DON’T THE DOGS HAVE GUNS? Poochinski would be so disappointed.