In case you forgot during the eight microseconds you spent shifting your eyes’ gaze from the above headline to this sentence, I would like to remind you that LeBron James. That’s right, folks, it’s a Jon post! [hits baseball with tennis racquet, rides skateboard into next paragraph]
Tonight at 9:00 Eastern, professional basketball enthusiast LeBron James will finally announce which team he will sign with (hint: the Knicks). He will do so on ESPN, during an hour-long special he insisted upon, while being interviewed by a guy he has personally selected to interview him. ESPN has dedicated the preceding three-hour programming block to a special, extra-long SportsCenter, which means that ESPN viewers will be in for four hours of LeBron-centric programming.
How will ESPN fill these hours of television? Some of the most likely possibilities are after the jump.
- A live broadcast from the Roman Coliseum, where Christians are being slaughtered by lions. It will be a single-camera broadcast. Over the course of the three-hours, the camera will slowly zoom in toward LeBron, sitting in a suite next to a tray of grapes, dressed in a red robe dyed with the blood of Visigoths, his index and middle fingers pressed against his temple while he stares directly into the lens, saying nothing.
- Skip Bayless and Stuart Scott dressed in loincloths, dragging a block of limestone through the Sahara, eventually making their way to a half-finished statue in LeBron’s likeness.
- LeBron’s three-hour review of The Shawshank Redemption, a movie he just saw and is really jazzed about. He will spend an undue amount of the broadcast deconstructing the scene in which Brooks is bagging groceries and eventually run out of time.
- A three-hour documentary of said three-hour documentary. LeBron will connect a video camera to a TV, then set it to record, then point the video camera at the TV. This paradox will shatter the pillars of logic that hold our universe together , and all matter will decompose into a soup-like substance. LeBron will be the only one to witness this. He will imagine himself a bowl and spoon and eat what remains, after which there will be nothing left save for LeBron, left to float in a colorless void. He will have eaten everything in the universe, and he will still be hungry.