Torii Hunter has been placed on the 15-day disabled list after being crushed beneath the foot of a giant shirtless child. What a bum.
Baseball is supposed to play a pastoral game, and yet every July, Major League Baseball insists on airing terribly disturbing commercials promoting their All-Star Game. Last year the commercial featured a giant hand reaching out from Heaven, ripping the Gateway Arch from its foundation, and using it as a magnet (!) to kidnap terrified Americans from across the country and maroon them in St. Louis.
This season, these people have dredged up the theory of spontaneous generation. Baseball players are magically conjured up from sand. Then Angel Stadium rises from the ground. (Pro tip: Angel Stadium is already in Anaheim, y’all, no need to make it rise from the ground like some sort of satellite Mayan supervillain lair.) Then a 300-foot-tall Dennis the Menace looms over the stadium for no particular reason.
I’ve developed a method to determine whether something is or is not scary. Here, do this:
1. Place this video on mute and watch it.
2. Simultaneously, play this video with the sound on.
Yep, baseball has taken a 60-second break from being really boring to be completely terrifying. Next year’s commercial will feature a 500-foot-tall Otis Nixon with no eyes and steel teeth who exhales dragonflies and Africanized honey bees.