The Biggest Loser: Couples (NBC) — Season premiere. Rulon Gardner was 285 pounds when he shocked the world by defeating the superhuman Alexander Karelin for the gold medal in Greco-Roman wrestling at the 2000 Olympics. He is now a planetoid on a weight-loss reality competition. (Although that blubber probably saved his life when his plane crashed in a freezing lake.)
Live to Dance (CBS) — Series premiere. Yay, another dancing show! AND it has Paula Abdul! Guys, this is the kind of moment that really makes being a TV blogger worth it. Which is to say: I could really use an animated GIF of James Van Der Beek making a dismissive wanking motion.
V (ABC) — Season premiere. The visitors unleash “Red Sky,” which may or may not be a bootleg album of early U2 performances.
My Big Breasts and Me (BBC America) — Three women talk about the problems caused by their huge breasts. Hey ladies? If you’ve got back problems, fine, get a breast reduction. But shut up about it, okay? It’s like rich people complaining about taxes.
Southland (TNT) — Season premiere. This is the first official season produced by TNT; the abbreviated Season 2 was made before NBC axed it. I dunno, can a drama about cops survive on TNT?
Caprica (Syfy) — Series finale. Syfy is flushing this show off its schedule by burning off the final five episodes in a row. Highlights: Patton Oswalt and hipster seductress Alessandra Toressani. Wanna see her dressed as Wonder Woman? Here ya go.