Curse the 9-to-5 East Coast workday, because yesterday afternoon Charlie Sheen went further off the hinges than ever before, causing CBS to shut down production on the rest of the season of “Two and a Half Men.” For posterity’s sake I’m going to walk you through all the news stories and back-and-forth, from the beginning, starting with Sheen’s rant on Alex Jones’s radio show. If you have the time, I recommend listening to the whole thing over at WWTDD, because the transcript alone doesn’t do justice to Sheen’s coked-up delusion.
“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”
As you read more of his completely insane quotes, you’ll see that the overriding theme tends to be “I’m awesome, and everyone else is holding me back from being even more awesome.” Here he is on series creator and writer Chuck Lorre (I’ve bolded all the craziest stuff):
“I’m tired of being told ‘You can’t talk about that, you can’t talk about that.’ Bull S-H-I-T. There’s something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine — yeah, that’s Chuck’s real name [Lorre was born Charles Levine - Ed.]— mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he’s above the law.”
“Yeah, I party with hookers and order briefcases of cocaine. But that Chuck Lorre really acts like he’s above the law, huh?”
“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
“Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”
Wait, are the Vatican assassin warlocks flying the F-18s? I’m confused.
“If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there’s nothing that can be questioned. People say, ‘Oh, you’d better work through your resentments.’ Yeah, no. I’m gonna hang on to them, and they’re gonna fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning.”
Watch out, the Vatican assassin warlock F-18 employs a secret army of soldiers.
“The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is ‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullsh*t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind.”
That’s telekinesis, Kyle.
“I cured it, I’m done … you don’t look like you’re having a lot of fun. I’m gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!” [Sheen quotes transcribed by Vulture]
Sheen also went off on Lorre to TMZ, challenging him to a fight in the Octagon, which of course is typical for 46-year-old employees when they want to resolve disputes with their bosses.
Charlie said, “I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre). He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I’d never want to be like.” Charlie adds, “That’s me being polite.”
“All these guys told me to ‘clean it up.’ Well this is me cleaning it the f**k up.” Charlie, who insists he’s sober, says, “All I want is to bring my family together, and I have to deal with all this B.S. politics.”
And as if that’s not enough, Charlie says “That piece of s**t [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket, and, most importantly, my second family — my crew’s pocket… You can tell him [Lorre] one thing. I own him.” [TMZ]
At that point, CBS was kind of painted into a corner:
“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season,” the companies said in a statement…
The halting the show does, of course, throw the entire future of the hit series into question. Sheen was signed through the end of next season. A network will typically decide on a show’s fate in time for its upfront presentation in May, but one shouldn’t expect anything about Men to be typical at this point. [EW]
Sheen responded to this news with grace and dignity, of course. Which is to say he fired up another eight-ball and wrote an open letter to the people that keep trying to chain his unbridled awesomeness. From TMZ:
What does this say about Haim Levine after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…
To recap: Charlie Sheen is a Vatican warlock assassin alchemist F-18 with fire-breathing fists and a secret army who will march up the steps of justice to right the unconscionable wrong of losing his $2 million-a-week job because he’s so great.
Kids, don’t do cocaine.
I want more like this!
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