If you missed the roast of Donald Trump last night, then you missed the worst bombing since Baghdad in 2003. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not only failed to get himself a decent joke writer, his performance devolved into him bragging about wealth and dating hot women, apparently unaware that the roast’s target accomplished those things at a much higher level. The boos from the audience got so bad that Jeff Ross had to go to the podium to bail him out.
You can watch the video of The Situation below — I highly recommend it; it’s like watching a train wreck in slow-motion — but first, I wanted to share a few of my favorite jokes from people who didn’t suck:
• Lisa Lampanelli on The Situation: “I tried ordering your book on amazon.com. Amazon said customers who bought this book also bought a rope and a stool.”
• Anthony Jeselnik to the Situation: “Sitch, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, man, but if you spent half as much time reading books as you do chasing skanks, you probably wouldn’t have AIDS.”
• Marlee Matlin: “I guess I am the perfect choice for this roast, because like The Situation, I too have never heard the sound of laughter.”
• Jeselnik: “Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man that raped her mother.”
That was the best joke of the night, in my opinion. But you know me: I’ve always had a soft spot for rape.
• Seth MacFarlane on Marlee Matlin’s appearance on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “She will be competing for a charity that has yet to be announced, but will probably be some deaf bullsh*t.”
• Lampanelli on Snoop Dogg: “If I wanted to bang a skinny black man with braids, I’ll call Alicia Keys.” Lisa • Lampanelli on Trump: “You’ve put up more useless hotels than an autistic kid playing Monopoly.”
• MacFarlane on Larry King: “He has a spine like a question mark, as if his body is asking, ‘How did I get seven women to f*ck me?'”
• Ross: “You may know Whitney Cummings by her porn name, Whitney Cummings.”
• Snoop Dogg on Trump: “Donald says he wants to run for president and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first time you pushed a black family out of their home.”
• Jeselnik on Snoop Dogg: “Look at this dais — you’ve got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer and then eight white people.”
• Snoop Dogg on Lampanelli: “This bitch loves to eat. If you want to f*ck Lisa doggie-style, all you have to do is put food on the floor.” –
• Matlin: “I’ve been told by thousands of people that when I speak it sounds like Whitney Cummings with a dick in her mouth.”
• Jeff Ross on Gary Coleman: “He died recently of multiple aneurysms, which is kind of like different strokes.” [thanks to TWoP]
Overall, I’d say that Anthony Jeselnik turned in the strongest performance, and he’ll likely be a new fixture on the roast scene. So at least one person benefited from Greg Giraldo’s death.
Here’s the Situation’s five minutes of infamy. My apologies for the buttcam video; Comedy Central has yet to post any complete videos.