MLB Opening Day (ESPN) — The tripleheader concludes with Brian Wilson and the world champion Giants facing off against the Dodgers at 8 p.m Eastern. I’ll be watching “Community.” Actually, because I’m a filthy hippie, I’ll be working a shift at the food co-op, but I’ll be watching “Community” in spirit. (Watch Wilson’s awesome interview on “Lopez Tonight” at With Leather. Trust me, I don’t often put “awesome” and “Lopez Tonight” in the same sentence.)
Swamp People (History) — Season premiere. Unfortunately, this is NOT about a family of Swamp Things.
Jersey Shore (MTV) — Wait, what? Wasn’t there already a season finale? Oh, right: it’s the old reality TV staple, the reunion show. It’s times like this that I wish scientists would develop an air horn that made a fart noise. You know, like a regular fart noise, except SUPER loud so that it’s heard for three city blocks.
Archer (FX) — Pam gets kidnapped. For those of you who are still buzzing from the news that “Archer” got picked up for a third season, I have even better news: Season 3 will have 16 episodes (up from 10 in Season 1 and 13 in Season 2). Three will air this fall with “Always Sunny,” with the rest starting in January 2012.
Mobbed (Fox) — Howie Mandel hosts this toilet-clogger of a hidden camera show, in which a flash mob will “help everyday people deliver life-changing news, like a marriage proposal or a big job offer, with a full-scale public song-and-dance number.” (Yahoo) I would like nothing better than to meet every Hollywood executive who meets with Mandel, and kick them in the groin. The executives and Mandel, that is.