I was all set to do a post about Paul Reiser’s show dropping even lower in the ratings, but as my Journalism 101 professor taught us in class, “Tits and knives or GTFO.” So, here we are. Jenni “JWOWW” Farley’s ex-manager/boyfriend Tom Lippolis told Star Magazine recently that he was the victim of violent attacks by the “Jersey Shore” star. Specifically, he alleges that she stabbed him and attacked him with a fire poker. From NY Daily News:
“Jenni put a kitchen knife through my entire arm,” he told the magazine. “I thought she was going to kill me. “She cut right through the muscle and everything,” he added, claiming he needed 57 stitches.
“I never pressed charges against Jenni because I think, I don’t know, love does funny things [to] somebody,” he said in a video posted on Radar [Online]. “And at the time I really was, call it crazy, in love with her.”
I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I am that this jamook isn’t bringing charges. Not because I think he’s been horribly wronged or anything, but because I picture this going down as the most stereotypically Italian trial ever, and I want in. (I know JWOWW isn’t really Italian. Shut up.) Italian mothers alternately weeping and trying to feed members of the jury because they “looka too skinny,” spectators beating each other with shoes, someone calling the judge a “mamaluke,” a stand-up tanning booth in place of the witness stand, objections like “OH! This guy, with the HEARSAY!” I’m telling you, it would be glorious. For God’s sake, do you people realize that Snooki (SNOOKI) could be called as a character witness?!
Prosecutor: … and isn’t it true that Ms. Farley is known to be an angry, aggressive person, especially after she’s consumed alcohol?
Snooki: Well,… (*drunkenly falls off witness stand and passes out on the floor with exposed vagina facing the jury*) (*collects $32,000 from Rutgers*)
In summation, make this happen world.