Wipe away the nostalgia, and you’ll see that the early 1980s were an awful time. The scourge of crack cocaine was turning America’s inner cities into war zones, the AIDS epidemic was in full swing, and the threat of nuclear annihilation loomed large. But of all the horrifying things to come out of that miserable decade, the Disney Channel is by far the most troubling.
In theory, a channel devoted to the legacy of Walt Disney seems harmless enough. But in practice, aside from the occasional airing of “Duck Presents” (a.k.a. “Quake Attack”), the Disney Channel is home to some of the most nauseating programs in television history, and has given birth to some of the most vile celebrities on the planet. Come with me as we explore Walt Disney’s greatest shame, the Disney Channel.
“The Suite Life On Deck”
“The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” chronicles the “sweet life” of two teenage twins who live at fancy hotel. Unless you’re a tween-aged girl or a pedophile, it doesn’t get much worse. Oh, wait; Yes it does. “The Suite Life On Deck” is a spin-off of the original show in which Zack and Cody now attend high-school on a luxury cruise ship. Must be nice, you smug little pricks.
Here’s hoping the show ends in a similar manner to the Achille Lauro hijacking.
Note: It was just announced that actress Brenda Song, who plays London Tipton on the show, is pregnant by way of Trace Cyrus (Miley’s brother and this tattooed emo queerbag). Here’s wishing them both the best of luck with raising a child that will undoubtedly grow up to be the next Hitler.
Compared to the other crap on this list, “Dumbo’s Circus” is probably a better show. At the end of the day, it was at least trying to entertain and educate children, as opposed to selling them sh*tty pop music. And I don’t remember “Lionel the Lion” smoking Salvia and banging Adam Lambert. But the crappy costumes and jarring animatronics were so phony that it made me sad for the actors inside, even as wee child. It’s the same feeling you get when you’re old enough to realize the guy in the Santa suit is just your dad’s drunken friend who got arrested for burning his wife with a curling iron.
Not to mention the fact that Dumbo, the world’s only flying elephant, had somehow become the world’s only talking elephant. And how the hell did he end up owning the circus? He doesn’t have any money. He’s a goddamn elephant!