Minute to Win It/America’s Got Talent (NBC) – NBC putting Guy Fieri and Nick Cannon back-to-back in primetime might be the most aggressive pro-reading initiative this country has ever seen.
Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo) – The remaining contestants prepare desserts to be served at a party thrown by “Real Housewife” Lisa Vanderpump. Okay, two things: 1) Because when I think “real housewife,” I think of elaborate parties featuring gourmet desserts that will be judged by a collection of models and celebrity chefs. Ugh. Go jump in a lake, Bravo. 2) If you had asked me 10 minutes ago what a “Lisa Vanderpump” was, I would have guessed it was some sort of shoddy sexual aid sold via infomercial.
American Greed: 9/11 Fraud (CNBC) – Our own Josh Kurp touched on this last week. You know, under certain circumstances, I think I could make a pretty decent argument that “non-stop cockpunches” shouldn’t be considered cruel and unusual punishment. This would be one such example.
Animal Hoarders (Animal Planet) – Some lady keeps her dead cats in the freezer. Let that sentence marinate for a little. Really try to wrap your head around it. Okay, now all together, “Yeeeesh.”
Rescue Me (FX) – Series finale. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything with Denis Leary in it other than The Sandlot. Maybe FX can just air that every week in the hole in the schedule left by this show. That would be awesome.
New Jack City (VH1) – I will give any of you $1,000 if you can explain to me (to my satisfaction) what New Jack City is doing on VH1. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Elijah Wood on Kimmel; Medal of Honor recipient Sgt. 1st Class Leroy Petry and Sarah Jessica Parker on Letterman; James Marsden and Wolfgang Puck on Ferguson (discussion topic: Do you think Wolfgang Puck would be so famous if his name was Dave Puck? I vote no. The lesson: give your kids awesome names like Wolfgang or Trampoline or something); Kristin Chenoweth and Chris Colfer on Leno; Marion Cotillard and Nick Swardson on Fallon; Don Johnson and Busy Phillips on Conan.