Call off the search, I have found The Greatest TV Clip of All Time. In Animal Planet's "My Extreme Animal Phobia," badass muscular Marvin, adorned with tattooed sleeves and ink on his face and neck, breaks down into tears at the sight of puppies (video below via Buzzfeed).
In order to face his fear, Marvin has to pet a pit bull puppy that's about 4 months old. And every time I started to feel bad about him having a paralyzing deep-seated phobia, the camera cut to the little puppy wagging its tail and I couldn't help but laugh. There should be some sort of prerequisite for getting a neck tattoo. "I'm sorry, sir, but before I can give you this fearsome permanent mark that will limit your jobs to bouncer and speed-metal bassist, I have to ensure that you're not terrified of cuddly puppies. It's the law."
And now, in honor of Marvin, the MOST FEARSOME GALLERY OF PUPPIES EVER ASSEMBLED.
GAHHHHH NOOO!!! IT'S AN ICY KILLER! TAKE HIM AWAY!
AN ENTIRE PACK OF BLOODTHIRSTY KILLERS! LORD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS!
A MONSTER ESCAPED FROM THE BRINY DEEP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
SHHHHHH!!!! Back away slowly. It's going to be hungry for flesh when it wakes.
NOOOO!!! THOSE FOLDS OF SKIN CAN SUFFOCATE A MAN!
DEAR GOD HELP US!!! IT'S SHARPENING ITS TEETH IN PREPARATION FOR A KILL!
TWIN KILLERS SENT FROM HELL!!! MOTHER OF MERCY HEAR MY PRAYERS!
OH GOOD GOD LOOK AT THOSE RAZOR-SHARP CLAWS!!!! RUN, YOU FOOLS! SAVE YOURSELVES!
DON'T GO NEAR IT! IT'S ONLY FEIGNING SLEEP TO LURE YOU IN!
GAAAAAHHHH IT'S ABOUT TO POUNCE! WE'RE DOOMED!
*weeping* I tried to live a good life. This is the end.
Careful! Those claws will rip open your belly and spill your entrails for a bloody feast!
*loses control of bowels* Oh God. We're in the middle of their camp. We're as good as dead.