Last Man Standing (ABC) — Series premiere. This is a key cog in ABC’s “men are two-dimensional idiots” sitcom block, with the exquisitely terrible-looking “Man Up!” premiering next week. In “Last Man Standing,” an equally stupid-looking insult to modernity, Tim Allen stars as a manly-man outdoor goods executive with a wife and three daughters. See, it’s funny because he laments the state of the world and the way nothing is manly enough. GRRRRR TODAY’S MEN DON’T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A TIRE OR SLAP THEIR WIVES!!!! NOW SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE INTERNET TO ME BECAUSE IT’S ONLY FOR SISSIES!!!
Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Julianne Hough returns for the results show to promote Footloose and do a creepy partner dance with her brother.
BET Hip Hop Awards (BET) — Lil Wayne leads the way with 18 nominations, while Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa are behind him with nine apiece. Tune in for a little bit, if just to mention it casually to your token black friend — unless you ARE black, in which case: WELCOME, BLACK READER. Please stay and join us. We’re trying to diversify.
90210 (The CW) — Brandy joins the cast… as a political candidate. As in: an adult, not a student. I remember when she was all young and teenaged and whatnot. Now kindly get off my lawn.
ALCS: Rangers at Tigers (Fox) — Man, I love the baseball playoffs when the Yankees and Red Sox aren’t playing. Take Joe Buck out of the equation, and I’d probably watch it.
Soccer: United States versus Ecuador (ESPN) — Can the underdog economic giant with 300 million people topple the mighty equatorial province? Tune in to to find out.