“Hey, did you hear about this? This is in the news: the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, passed away on Saturday. Yup, yup, it’s true. They say he SMALL JOKE while WEARING SUNGLASSES, and it’s rumored that AMERICAN POP CULTURE CELEBRITY will take over.”
I hate late night monologues. Just everything about them: the set-up, the formula, the body swaying to indicate an “I’m just joking” demeanor, the conversational asides in the middle of the joke, the repetition of certain words and names, and most of all, the oh-so-topical punchlines. I don’t usually watch “Letterman” or “Kimmel” or even “Conan,” simply because I can’t stand the first 10 minutes of every show (I also don’t watch the other 50 when it comes to “Leno.”) The text above, that’s pretty much the route every late-night host took to tell their Kim Jong-il’s dead joke(s) last night. But can you match the joke with said host? No cheating! Here’s the first, with the other three — as well as the answers— after the jump.
Well, in North Korea, they announced the passing of their supreme leader Kim Jong-il, and his younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could be passed down to Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong-il and Khloe Jong-il…And Michele Bachmann, foreign affairs not her strong suit, when she was told of the Supreme Leader’s death, she said, “I didn’t even know Diana Ross was sick.” And Rick Perry, y’know, Rick Perry, Rick Perry didn’t fare much better. When he was told about Kim Jong-il, he said, “I never heard of him. Then again, I don’t listen to that rap music.”
Hey guys, huge international news, you guys. Kim Jong-il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hated us, that guy. He passed away over the weekend, and get this: his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong-un, is taking over. It won’t be easy, because he’s got some big sunglasses to fill. It’s going to be tough.
Hey, here’s something: you know that Kim Jong-il, you know who I’m talking about? The evil dictator of North Korea? Guess what: dropped dead. Yup, yeah. Thank you, Seal Team Six. Now everyone’s worried who’s going to take over for Kim Jong-il. They think it’s going to be his son, Kim W.-il. He’s also survived by his daughter, Kim Jong-dashian. And just about now, Osama bin Laden is probably showing Kim Jong-il around Hell. So now the only tiny tyrant left is Mayor Bloomberg.
Gotta talk about this shocking news. Big, big story. Kim Jong-il died yesterday. You all heard about that, right? They have not named his successor yet, but the rumor is that it’s going to be Ryan Seacrest. That guy gets EVERYTHING, and he says he can fit it into his schedule. This is the latest: yesterday North Korea leader Kim Jong-il died of a heart attack. That was the cause. No one knows what triggered it, but he apparently had a lot of money riding on the Denver Broncos. Crazy, strange facts are coming out about Kim Jong-il today: it’s being reported, this is true, that schoolchildren in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong-il did not urinate or defecate. That’s true, yeah, so today, most schoolchildren just assumed that their Fearless Leader exploded.
Answers below this picture of Jay Leno giving Krusty a bath:
1. Leno; 2. Fallon; 3. Letterman; 4. Conan