If you aren’t familiar with the profoundly dumb but exhilaratingly awesome SyFy original movies — like Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Komodo vs. Cobra or Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep — then either you don’t smoke enough weed or, more likely, you have a job. They are glorious movie mash-ups starring the likes of Tiffany (of “I Think We’re Alone Now” fame), Debbie Gibson, Tara Reid, and a number of other stars who exist somewhere between the D-list and their eventual drug overdose. The budgets are under $12 and the special effects are done on MS Paint, but the kills are plenty and the campiness is divine.
Enter Tracey Gold, she of “Growing Pains” and eating disorders and Lifetime movies about domestic abuse and .. eating disorders. Tracey Gold, looking to tap into that lucrative unemployed stoner market, has signed on to the latest, and it’s a doozy: Arachnoquake.
Bug Hall (The Little Rascals), Ethan Phillips (Star Trek: Voyager) and Edward Furlong (Terminator 2: Judgment Day) round out the cast in the telepic that features giant albino spiders, freed from their ancient subterranean prison who go on a killing spree in New Orleans after a massive earthquake.
Albino spiders! Earthquakes! The kid from Terminator 2 who is fat now! A guy named Bug! And Tracey Flipping Gold! Yes! Yes! Yes! and Yes! All it needs now is a lesbian make-out scene with Candace Cameron-Bure and a midget toss, but I guess you have to save something for the sequel.