One of my deepest, darkest secrets is that, despite being one of the Internet’s most aggressive and persistent mockers of Guy Fieri, I sometimes watch “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.” I don’t even know why. I’ll be flipping through the guide during commercials and stop by to see what kinds of delicious, artery-clogging meals are being served up, and the next thing I know I’ve been watching for 20 minutes. I rant and rave at the TV, I roll my eyes every time he says something like “Winner winner chicken dinner” or “That’s the bomb dot com,” but I’m still the idiot watching it. Trust me, there is no way you can possibly hate me for this more than I hate myself.
While on one of these dangerous self-loathing binges last night, I learned two important things. First of all, the thing that drives me most bonkers about Guy Fieri is that little bleached blonde strip of hair in the middle of his goatee. He actually dyes that. I don’t know why this infuriates me so much, but it makes my blood so hot you could cook rice in it. The second thing I learned was that Kid Rock — yes, Kid Rock — will be a guest on the show next week. Because OF COURSE he would be a guest on the show.
I thought about it for 10-15 minutes last night, and the most shocking part about this was that Kid Rock hadn’t been on the show before. It seems so obvious. They’re two peas in a blonde pod that has been sitting in the produce section since 1998. Says the guy who can’t go four posts without a reference to Boyz II Men or “Saved by the Bell.” Aaaaaaand the shame cycle continues.