“OH MY GOD. What is going on right now? Who is this man touching me? Why do his hands smell like leather and hair product? I don’t know you, sir! I did not ask you for scratchies! Unhand me at once! STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER DANGER. SOMEONE ALERT THE AUTHORITIES. Tell them that this man is ASSAULTING ME. Don’t just stand there! Yes, I mean YOU, owner! How could you allow this to happen to me?! With a SMILE on your face! What kind of sick public molestation fetishist group have you subjected me to, where unknown parties are just allowed to run their hands all over my body IN FRONT OF CAMERAS?! I should have known from your choice of hat that you were a smut peddler.
“WHY IS NO ONE SPRINGING TO ACTION?! Is this world devoid of heroes? Okay, think adorable self. THINK. I know, I’ll take note of my surroundings so I can report this disgusting cabal to the police. It may be too late for me, but I can at least save others. What does this vile hedonist’s fleece say… Perry? Is that his name? I doubt it. What kind of person is brazen enough to participate in an illegal groping on a busy sidewalk while clothed in outerwear emblazoned with his own name. Surely this is a trick, just like that paper bone he used to lure me into his grasp. How could he have known my own weakness?! He is undoubtedly the ringleader. OH DEAR GOD… NO… NOT THE TAIL. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY, SIR. I HAVE A FAMILY.
[notices another dog walking down the sidewalk]
“NO! TURN AROUND! SAVE YOURSEEEELLLFFFF!”
via The Daily Show Tumblr, thanks to LOLSlater for the tip
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