I Never Want to See These Commercials Again

We still don’t know who’s going to be playing in Super Bowl XLVI (go 49ers and Ravens!), but we do know which companies will be running extremely expensive ads ($3.5 million per 30 seconds, as Danger mentioned earlier) during the game. You’ve got your regulars, like Pepsi, Volkswagen, and E*Trade, who are bringing back the Talking Baby of Your Nightmares, but there are some Super Bowl virgins, too, including:

The Super Bowl newbies include two luxury car brands, Acura and Lexus; Century 21, the real estate firm; the Dannon Company division of Groupe Danone; the H&M retail chain, which will advertise a new line of David Beckham Bodywear underwear; and 2nd Story Software, the maker of TaxACT tax-preparation software. (New York Times)

We should know what to expect when it comes to Super Bowl commercials because it’s the same story ever year. We’ll love one, maybe two, of them, and be really pissed off that some company actually paid in excess of three million clams for the rest. There’s only one thing I ask, Super Bowl ad people: NEVER SHOW THESE THREE COMMERCIALS, which have been playing every seven seconds during the playoffs, EVER AGAIN. (Also, if you could replace halftime performer Madonna with a farting hagfish performing the complete works of Crazy Town, that’d be cool, too. It’s basically the same thing, but much more likable.)

Why is Ned’s cranky grandmother wearing a Braylon Edwards’ Browns jersey? Why does Ned get a stiffie from humiliating his jerk Patriots fan friend? Why does Ned’s hottie office mate bring a fish bowl to the Super Bowl? Why does everyone in the extended version look like their having fun the night before the game, when it’s a scientific fact that it’s impossible to have fun in Indianapolis? Why, Morgan Freeman, why?

The way the guy’s voice escalates when he says, “You guys know how to post videos to FACEBOOK?” gets to me every time. It’s like AT&T is bragging that they know what Facebook is. The two main guys in the ad are total douches, too. Which I totally knew before you because…THAT’S SO FOUR SECONDS AGO.

Miller Lite’s “Man Up” commercials make me embarrassed to have a penis. And yet, I still like it more than the Taxes vs. Puppy Breathe Budwesier ad mentioned in yesterday’s Deadspin Jamboroo (I couldn’t find a clip of it online, which is probably for the best.)

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