Do you remember last week when I yelled and screamed about the girl from “Toddlers & Tiaras” who was being pumped full of a Mountain Dew and Red Bull mixture and released into the wild like a strumpet Tasmanian Devil? Well, “Good Morning America” sat down with the girl and her mom today, and you will be happy to learn that we were all overreacting.
MOM: When you do get on stage, you have to be alive, and you do have to be… your personality has to, like, shine. So, you know, long day, I mean… that’s just what I choose to, like, do to my child. (Ed. note: TO my child. Not FOR my child. TO.) You have to have something to energize their body.
REPORTER: Why? Why do you have to, though? For a six-year-old, giving her caffeine and Red Bull? I mean, that’s just a lot of caffeine and sugar for a little girl.
MOM: Um, I mean, it’s like I said. There’s worse things, far worse things for her.
PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we have the defendant on camera robbing a bank while wearing a shirt with his name on the back. Also, he confessed both during the interrogation, and just a few moments ago on the witness stand. We ask that he be given the maximum possible sentence.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Yeah, but it’s not like he systematically committed genocide for a period of ten or more years.
JUDGE: CASE DISMISSED!
PROSECUTOR: But… your honor…
JUDGE: [bangs gavel] I said CASE DISMISSED!
During the interview, we also learn the following things about the Mountain Dew/Red Bull concoction: 1) She created it because, I am not making this up, “two bags of Pixy Styx” weren’t having the desired effect, and; 2) She calls it “Go-Go Juice,” which is funny because “go-go” is also a type of risque dancer who struts around a stage in her underwear for the enjoyment of creeps just like she is making her daughter do and now I want to die.
This whole thing makes me want to move the woods and become a supervillain.