The Middle/Suburgatory/Modern Family/Happy Endings (ABC) – Based on nothing but the preview photos on the “Happy Endings” website, it looks like Max steals a limo and Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) gets busted for prostitution. Sheesh, ABC. That’s dark. (NOTE: All but “Modern Family” are Valentine’s Day episodes. I assume this will result in all the single viewers sitting at home in pajamas and crying into a tub of cookie dough ice cream. I’ve seen a bunch of rom-coms.)
Person to Person (CBS) – The old Edward R. Murrow interview show is getting rebooted, with tonight’s episode featuring George Clooney and Jon Bon Jovi giving tours of their homes. How fantastic! [sells plasma to cover student loan payment]
Revenge (ABC) – How can you call your show “Revenge” and not give anyone a sword? All good revenges have swords. That’s, like, Revenge 101.
Whitney/Are You There Chelsea/American Idol (NBC, FOX) – NO.
Hillbilly Handfishin’ (Animal Planet) – From TV Guide: “A couple from Baltimore hopes a fishing adventure can save their marriage.” Read that sentence a few times to let it sink in. Really let the whole thing wash over you.
Top Chef: Texas (Bravo) – Every episode of this season should have been very fat men in overalls cooking barbecue. There you go, I fixed it. Where do I get my check? Wait, scrap that. Pay me in barbecue. Bring the truck out back.
Royal Pains (USA) – The brother on this show might be the most annoying character on television. “Oh, what, you’re trying to save someone’s life? WHAT ABOUT ME AND MY DUMB IDEAS?” I hope he gets eaten by a shark.
American Greed (CNBC) – Tonight’s episode focuses on Ponzi schemer and University of Miami booster Nevin Shapiro. The narrator of this show, Stacy Keach, makes everything sound so deliciously evil. He could make the Muppets seems like deviant sex murderers.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Josh Hutcherson and Nathan Fillion on Kimmel; Ryan Reynolds and Ellie Kemper on Letterman; Christina Applegate on Ferguson; Chris Pine and Lisa Lampanelli on Poopy McShowstealer; Vanessa Hudgens on Fallon; and Martin Short and Jon Bernthal on Conan.