2 Broke Girls (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) — The 2 broke girls “pretend their cupcakes are kosher when they serve them at a bar mitzvah.” HAHAHA won’t those Jews be surprised when they realize they’ve been duped into not following the rules of the Torah. In next week’s episode: Max and Caroline kill a cow in front of a Hindu!
Top 50 Videos of the 2000’s (GAC, 8 p.m.) — SPOILER ALERT: At least 47 of the 50 videos will feature someone wearing a cowboy hat.
Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9 p.m.) — What are “Two and a Half Men” fans, the most passionate TV fans of them all, saying about tonight’s episode? “Stop this sh*t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!cancel the two and half not fanny idiots!!!!” Indeed.
Alcatraz (Fox, 9 p.m.) — I spent President’s Day catching up on episodes of “Alcatraz” and doing laundry. That’s the kind of TV insight you won’t get ANYWHERE ELSE.
Khloe and Lamar (E!, 10 p.m.) — Mondays are the worst.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jesse Tyler Ferguson on Letterman; Taylor Swift and Michael Clarke Duncan on Leno; Jayma Mays on Ferguson; Anjelica Huston, Hugh Dancy, and Todd Glass on Kimmel; Alan Huffman and Michael Rejebian on Stewart; and Ann Patchett on Colbert.