Remember how terrible TV was during late-December and early-January? That’s kind of what tonight’s like. We’re in that awkward middle period between February sweeps and May sweeps, where most shows are on break, and it’s not like Monday has a stockpile of quality series in the first place. So unless you’re PUMPED for an old episode of “Mike & Molly,” maybe it’s time you finally watched Beginners, which you’ve had from Netflix for two months now. I might be speaking through experience.
The Bachelor (ABC, 8 p.m.) – Mr. Ufford keeps saying how great this season is, without any trace of irony. Might as well see if he’s telling the truth, or if his new gig has brainwashed him into believing in True Love.
Alcatraz (Fox, 8 and 9 p.m.) – Back-to-back episodes. If “Alcatraz” doesn’t get picked up for a second season (ratings have dropped with every episode), does that mean that Sarah Lastname, Hurley Hurleyson, and Dr. Alan Grant will have to find the remaining 50-or-so guards and inmates in a single episode? That would be kind of awesome. “Oh, look, there they are! We should have known they’d be on the ‘Full House’ walking tour!”
National Lampoon’s Vacation (AMC, 8 p.m.)/Wild Things (MoreMAX, 9 p.m.) – Why am I pairing these together? Yes, they both feature former “SNL” cast members (Chevy Chase and Bill Murray), but also because they’re generation defining. Many gentlemen of a certain age learned A LOT about themselves during the poolside Christie Brinkley part of Vacation, just as many other, slightly younger males watched-and-rewatched the Matt Dillon, Neve Campbell, and Denise Richards scene in Wild Things. This is important stuff.
100 Shows to See Before You Die (TV Guide Network, 9 p.m.) – When’s the inevitable follow-up, “100 Shows That Make You Want to Kill Yourself,” going to air? #100. “Oprah’s Next Chapter,” #99. “The Paul Reiser Show”…all the way to #1., “Original Programming on the TV Guide Network.”
The Fugitive (Spike, 10:30 p.m.) – If I could only watch 10 movies for the rest of my life, this would be one of them. The other nine are all six Leprechaun movies, House Party, House Party 2, and Jumanji.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Courtney Cox and Louie Anderson on Ferguson; Zac Efron on Conan; Shaun Donovan on Stewart; and Audra McDonald on Colbert.