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The Definitive List of the 20 Worst TV Theme Songs of All Time

By / 04.24.12
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A lot of sites will try to rank theme songs, but we do it differently here at WarmingGlow. We use a heady combination of legal intoxicants and MADE-UP SCIENCE? Over the weekend, I got together with a lab rat friend of mind and a couple of six packs, and over the course of a few hours, we developed a sophisticated algorithm for objectively determining how bad a television theme song is. By analyzing over 1000 theme songs based on the type of music, the notes, and it's pairing with the subject material of the show, we were able to narrow down the the list to the 20 worst.

Several factors went into the algorithm, and for each factor, a negative score was tabulated. The factors included, but were not limited to:

Flutes trills.

Synthesizers.

Out of tune harmonies.

Lyric cheesiness.

Negative earworm qualities.

Needlessly mournful piano

Excessive piano tinkles.

Showtune-like qualities.

Egregious use of saxophone

Muted trumpets.

80's-ness.

Poor use of gospel choirs.

Chuck Norris tone deaf-ness.

Poor rhyme scheme.

Disco-like qualities.

Inappropriate trombone slides.

The degree to which the theme provokes blood-lust.

Using all of these factors, and programming in the "Mike Hammer" theme song as a baseline, we ran the theme songs through two computers: A TRS 80 and a Commodore 64. Using an old atari joystick, we were able to calibrate the algorithm on the fly to adjust for cochlear bleeding. This is the final, ranked list of 20 Worst Theme Songs that the dot matrix printer spit out. You can argue with the results, but you'd be arguing with MADE-UP SCIENCE, and made-up science always wins.

20. Small Wonder

19. Blossom

18. Eight is Enough

17. Facts of Life

16. Family Guy

15. L.A. Law

14. The Love Boat

13. Baywatch

12. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

11. Hello Larry

10. BJ and the Bear

9. Walker Texas Ranger

8. My Secret Identity

7. Joanie Loves Chachi

6. Hogan's Family

5. Three's Company

4. The L Word

3. Mr. Belvedere

2. The Nanny

1. Star Trek: Enterprise

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