Their last name is Skidmore. It’s almost too perfect. But don’t worry, little girl: sh*t gets better.
UFC 145: Jones vs. Evans Live Blog with Vince Mancini and Danny Boy Downes This Saturday — Your always excellent WWE live blog, now with more d*ck jokes and Mark Wahlberg impressions. (With Leather)
Nike Bans Midnight Releases, Initiates Twitter RSVP Policy But Will It Help? — I’ve waited in line for midnight releases of movies and books, but even I think standing in a queue (fancy!) for shoes is dumb. AMURRRICA. (Smoking Section)
We Handicap Some Joseph Gordon-Levitt Dark Knight Rises Rumors — Would Batman Begins and The Dark Knight be ruined for you if it turns out JGL’s playing Robin in Rises? I vote yes. (Gamma Squad)
Move Over Rebecca Black, We’ve Got Hot Girl Problems — This song really speaks to me, as an unattractive guy and all. (Uproxx)
Carnival Is Offering a Saw-Themed Cruise for Torture-Porn Masochists — I’ll bring the bathtub, you bring the hacksaw and fake blood. Yeah…FAKE blood. (Film Drunk)
Jose Canseco’s Insane Twitter Rant Presented By Corgis — Everything is better when presented by corgis. (BuzzFeed)
4 Comedians Made TIME‘s 100 Most Influential People 2012 List — Whoever destroys the person who voted Chelsea Handler as an influential person in 2012 will be crowned MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON EVER in 2013. (HuffPo)
How Newt Gingrich Really Got Bitten by a Penguin — Penguins can’t fly, PENGUINS CAN’T FLY #criticreferences (College Humor)
Adult Swim Interview with Brendon Small — So happy “Metalocalypse” returns on April 29th. (Adult Swim)
15 Writers and Directors Who’ve Spawned Their Own Separate Genres — A chance to use the phrase Dick-esque. (Fark)
12 Attempts to Bribe Celebrities for Worthy Causes — I would give seven bazillion dollars to charity to hear Tom Waits cover Billy Idol’s “Cradle of Love” and see a recreation of the music video with Alison Brie. (Mental Floss)
Hear “Heartbreaker,” the New Track from the Walkmen — The Walkmen are as fantastic as they are well dressed. Meaning, very. (Death + Taxes)
The Perfume That Smells Like a Macbook Pro — We’re one step closer to being attracted to, and wanting to have sex with, machines. The future is NOW. (The Week)
Oregon Man Protests Airport Security By Conducting His Own Strip Search — I love when mug shots line up perfectly with the victim’s crime. The guy pictured here looks like someone who’d get naked in the middle of an airport. (The FW)
10 Aliens Cunningly Disguised as Attractive Celebrities — Alf from “Alf.” (Pajiba)
Kelly Brook Has a Tumblr and It’s Glorious — It’s only a matter of time before Kelly begins posting GIFs of herself in a bikini. I, for one, can’t wait. (Bro Bible)
