Syfy’s original movies are rarely anything short of a bonkers camp joyride, and the trailer for their newest one, Piranhaconda, looks like the latest in a line of flawless gems. Let’s run down the Syfy checklist, shall we? Explosions? Check. Gratuitous violence and shots of sexy ladies in bikinis? Check. Bad CGI? Check. Washed-up actors and/or musicians from the ’80s and ’90s (MADSEN!) delivering dialogue that is so far over the top it actually starts creeping back up from the bottom? Check. A plot with more holes in it than the ears of the girl who works at the coffee shop in the mall? Check. One scary animal crossed with another scary animal then enlarged anywhere from 10-50x because f-ck science anyway? Check. Yup, we’ve got a live one here.
If it’s OK with all of you, I’d like to take this opportunity to pitch an idea for a Syfy movie that I’ve been working on for a while now (five minutes): Dogasaurus. A dog gets zapped with radiation or steps in ooze or eats some glowing something or whatever, and when he wakes up the next morning he is 50 feet tall and has machine guns for hands and he is HUNGRY FOR BLOOD. Who can stop Dogasaurus? Not the police, that’s for sure. Their simplistic weapons and Constitutional limitations leave them useless to fight the soulless behemoth. In a last ditch effort, the government calls on controversial science expert Dr. Rex Benchpress (JC Chasez), a former Navy SEAL who had sworn off violence and become a university professor. Now with the help of his research assistant and on-again-off-again love interest Amber Bamber (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”), he must figure out Dogasaurus’s weakness and take him out before it’s too late. Will they succeed? Tune in to find out.