Franklin & Bash (TNT) – Tonight’s episode features Jane Seymour as Bash’s mom, basically reprising her ravenous older woman role from Wedding Crashers and hitting on every non-Zack Morris male on the show. Very few things in the world make this much sense, so it’s probably best if we just move along and don’t ask questions.
NBA Finals (ABC) – The Miami Heat go to Oklahoma City for Game 1 of the NBA Finals. I don’t talk a lot about sports here because Uproxx already has a very fine sports site (live discussion here), but please know that I have a number of feelings about LeBron James’s hairline and James Harden’s beard that I would be happy to share with you if we ever meet up over a beer. You won’t get a word in. Also, you’re buying.
American Ninja Warrior/America’s Got Talent (NBC) – I vote we combine these two shows and make “America’s Most Talented Ninja.” Ninjas over-singing classic love songs, eight-member ninja dance troupes, ninjas farting into a fishbowl or whatever the hell else passes for talent on television these days, and so on. There we go. I freed up an hour of primetime programming. Now about my pitch for “Lobster Cops.” If they don’t close cases fast, they’ll all be in hot water!
House Hunters (HGTV) – FAKE. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.
The Brit List: 20 Sexiest (BBC) – If my beloved Pippa Middleton does not appear on this list, there will be hell to pay. You would be unwise to test me, BBC.
Tosh.0/Workaholics (Comedy Central) – So … is this where I tell you all that I don’t particularly care for Daniel Tosh? Yeah, I think this is as good a place as any.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jack Hanna and Patti Smith on Letterman; Andy Garcia and Cody Horn on Ferguson; Patrick Duffy, Larry Hagman, and Megan McCain on Leno; Maggie Gyllenhaal and Andy Cohen on Fallon; and Andy Samberg is on Conan.