If there are two things I love in this world, they would be (a) watching the Food Network and (b) hijinks of all shapes and sizes. So when I saw that Drew Magary (writer for Gawker and Deadspin, and KSK co-founder) was starting a campaign to get himself on Chopped, I was immediately on board. In this post on Deadspin, Drew fills out the show’s nineteen question (really?) application, and I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that he sounds like the most qualified contestant the show has ever seen. A sampling:
Describe your cooking style, ingredients you love and any specialty dishes.
My cooking style can be best described as SEXYLOVESAUCE. When you eat my food, you feel sexy and saucy. And you feel loved. SEXYLOVESAUCE. I love BOLD FLAVORS, because chefs who don’t like bold flavors are pussies. My favorite ingredients are HARD WORK and FIERCE SCRAPPITUDE. And Adobo. Adobo kicks ass. [...]
Why do you think you can be the next Chopped Champion?
I will get everything on the plate. I will not serve raw chicken. I will not lose track of the clock, which is insane for chefs to do because the clock is right there and Ted is always shouting out how much time is left. I will not wander around the pantry like a moron. I will render my bacon fat until it’s nice and crispy. I will keep my station clean and not throw food scraps on the floor like that one British lesbian lady did, which was so gross. I will not bitch about the ingredients in the mystery basket. “WHOA HEY CANNED FISH! I didn’t expect this!” No kidding, idiot. You’re on Chopped.
Oddly, Chopped is the one show on the Food Network I can’t watch. It stresses me THE HELL out for all the reasons Drew lists in that second answer, to the point I get, like, physical jittery and uncomfortable. I end up screaming stuff at the TV like “YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! GET THE CHICKEN IN THE OVEN!” or “JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE BURNING THE RISOTTO” like a total spaz. One time I saw a guy cut his hand practically to the bone while he was chopping something. He tried to continue the competition by putting on a glove, but he kept getting blood all over everything anyway. The whole thing gave me agita. I don’t need that in my life.
So if Drew, a student of the show, thinks he can pull this off without succumbing to all the things that give me a goddamn panic attack, I am 100% behind his candidacy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see if the Food Network is looking for a replacement or fill-in for Guy Fieri on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. I’ll go in there and burn Flavortown to the ground like Sherman.