According to America’s most reputable and respected news source, noted swaggy bro Justin Bieber will be appearing on the upcoming season of X Factor as a celebrity mentor, and will be working with the contestants assigned to judge L.A. Reid.
I swear to God, I don’t even know what’s going on with these singing shows this summer. It’s like a goddamn arms race. The Voice brings in Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine; X Factor counters by adding Britney Spears and Demi Lovato; American Idol pushes the self-destruct button and rebuilds from the ground up by reaching out to Mariah Carey, Nicki Minaj, Kanye West, Keith Urban, and whoever the hell else they could get on the phone; X Factor doubles down by having Bieber appear as a mentor; Cee-Lo, uh… got a bird. It’s getting crazy out there. If they keep trying to one-up each other by throwing huge money at big-time pop stars, they run the risk of facing mutually assured destruction. Once mighty timeslot hegemons will be reduced to smoking craters on the schedule. Chaos will ensue, with networks rushing to fill their schedule with whatever slapped-together, half-brained show they came up with after recovering from the shock. Snooki will get a primetime talk show. Anarchy will break out across the country, and the streets of every town, small and large, will end up stained red with the blood of the powerful. REVOLUTION.
As far as I can tell, there is only one way to avoid this hellish near future. One show must hire someone so influential — so POWERFUL — that the announcement itself relegates to other shows to second-class powers, making it clear that the battle has ended. The nuclear bomb of pop stars, if you will. Only one such figure exists, and all we can do is pray that he hears our pleas:
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