Republican National Convention (Every dumb network) – Politics, televised or otherwise, are awful, and should be avoided whenever possible. (Only exception: The Daily Show. Sometimes.)
Pretty Little Liars (The CW) – Mid-season finale. Mid-season finale? What in the hell? That’s like calling midterms “Halfway Finals.” Everyone in show business is insane.
The Burn With Jeff Ross (Comedy Central) – Jimmy Kimmel is one of the guests this week. Hopefully he keeps right on running his mouth about Leno. That would be splendid.
World Series of Poker (ESPN) – Future generations will not judge us kindly for those four or five years in the mid-2000s when we all sat around and watched poker on television like it was a socially acceptable thing to do.
Hard Knocks (HBO) – I have watched every episode of Hard Knocks this year and I still can only name like six Miami Dolphins. Max. This means (a) the Miami Dolphins do not exactly have a star-studded roster, and (b) I really to need to talk to my doctor about my ADD.
The Week Women Want (Lifetime) – [does Shania Twain voice] “Let’s go, girls. BAH BAH BUH DA NAH BUMP BAH.” [checks to see if anyone is looking, does rest of song from memory]
White Collar/Covert Affairs (USA) – EVERYONE’S A SPY.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: David Duchovny and Jeff Ross on Kimmel; Amy Adams on Letterman; Larry King on Ferguson; Lisa Kudrow on Leno, with musical guests Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen; Matthew McConaughey, Carla Gugino, and R. Kelly on a repeat of Fallon; Isla Fisher, Dean Norris, and Andrew W.K. on Conan.
Photo credit: Reuters