Breaking Bad. The Wire. The Simpsons. Deadwood. Mad Men. The Sopranos. What do these so-called "greatest shows of all-time" all have in common? They're total crap compared to a new series that aired its first episode last night. I'd go so far as to say it's the greatest thing that's ever aired on TV: DOG WITH A BLOG.
We've been waiting for this moment since April, when the Disney Channel announced the show's general premise and, more importantly, THE FACT THAT IT'S CALLED DOG WITH A BLOG. It's already the official show of Warming Glow, and we will hear no arguments to the contrary. It's about a dog...with a blog. Boom.
Thanks to a helpful tweet from @sarah_sprague, we were reminded that last night was the series premiere. Obviously, I watched the whole thing, watched it again, watched it four more times, then took screencaps and wrote about it. Here are my findings, which can be summed up as: OMG.
DOG. The general premise of the show goes something like this: brother and sister fight, parents buy them a dog, dog has a blog and acts as the narrator, brother and sister discover dog can talk. That's about it. But most importantly, Dog with a Blog, who also goes by Stan, is one handsome devil.
Here's another angle. I'm going to Instagram him:
Yup. That's it.
OMG HE'S TALKING. (I mean, you can't really tell he's talking here because it's a picture, but rest assured, Disney used only the finest CGI pros, i.e. two homeless winos they found on the street named Rummy Joe and Thumbless Nick, to make Dog with a Blog's mouth move.)
Dog with a Blog having a blog does not factor into the plot of the show at all. The kids never discover he can type, only that he can talk. It's never established who he's writing the blog for. Is it for people or other dogs? Are there dogs all over the world using our computers at night? ARE THERE DOGS READING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The show really should be called Dog with an Amazing Ability to Speak, but who'd watch that crap?
This is the greatest show of all-time. Dog with a Blog is the new Spuds MacKenzie, but with extra spuds.
And a blog.
I'm not sure why when Dog with a Blog's ear touches a stolen chop, it looks like a solar flare, but I do know that the little girl to the right has a profitable career in exaggerated reaction shots awaiting her.
If the show ever wants to go EDGY, they should redo this scene so that Dog with a Blog still leaves a paw print, but it turns blue, a la Blue's Clues, and then he flips the camera off. HE'S ONE RUFF POOCH. That would be the Internet's most popular non-bannister sliding GIF for at least a month. And if you're wondering how a dog would be able to lift his middle finger, you clearly haven't seen enough Dog with a Blog.
Dogs should not roll their eyes.
Nor should they smile like a stoner listening to "Dark Star."
The way the show gets Dog with a Blog to make his facial reactions is terrifying: it's clearly a human face CGI'd over that poor dog's mug, which is one step away Island of Dr. Moreau-level creepy.
See. Hella creepy. Also: why yes, that little girl does have her tie tucked into her pants.
"What'd you say, jefe?"
Look at this while listening to this:
ROBODOG, is something I'd watch.
Dog with a Noir.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA who'd loan a dog a blowtorch?
"You barkin' to me? You barkin' to me? You barkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you barking...you barking to me? Well, I'm the only one here." — Robert Dog Niro.
I'll let this picture speak for itself (whether it's saying MISERY or ORGASM is up for you to decide).
If you're thinking, "That dog sure looks like he's masturbating," you're not far off. The pilot episode of Dog with a Blog ends with Dog with a Blog uploading that photo, then saying, "Now for my own little doggy treat." His gift to himself: a website called "Hot Poodles." So, yes, what this show for kids is implying is that Dog with a Blog is going to jizz all over that computer. And the only way to respond to that mental image is...
Oh, Dog with a Blog.