Happy Endings (ABC, 9 p.m.) — Tonight is basically the best non-Sunday night of new television since the new season began, as we finally see the return of Happy Endings in an episode called “Cazsh Dummy Spillionaires.” God, I’m glad this show is back. LOOK: Here’s the 80 Best GIFs from Happy Endings.
Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23 (ABC, 9:30) — The Beek is trying to put together a Dawson’s Creek reunion tonight, which means: MORE BUSY PHILLIPS ON YOUR TELEVISION SCREENS. Look: Here’s Laurie Keller’s Best GIFs.
New Girl/The Mindy Project (Fox, 9 p.m.) — Watch “Happy Endings” live (it needs the ratings) and DVR “New Girl,” where Jess will have to fill in for Cece as a model, Schmidt acts like a douche, and Nick says something cranky. If you don’t get enough quirk from New Girl, stick around for a face-full of twee from The Mindy Project.
Raising Hope/Ben and Kate (Fox, 8 p.m.) — Look, you don’t need another reason to watch Raising Hope. It’s in its third season, so you’re either on the pot or you’ve boarded up the bathroom. But Ben and Kate needs your love: The lowest rated new show of the season still standing won’t make it much longer unless viewers turn out and then chat it up on the Internet the next day.
Parenthood (NBC, 10 p.m.) — You know what’s nice after a great night of comedy? Settle in with the warmest, kindest family on television, The Bravermans. Are you white, suburban, and maybe a little boring in real life? THIS SHOW IS FOR YOU. No, seriously: It’s one of my two favorite dramas on network television, so yeah: I probably occupy a few of those categories. Don’t judge, asshole.
Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 p.m.) — Joel McHale will be all over tonight’s episode of Sons of Anarchy, but beyond that, I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight. Check back tomorrow for the recap.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Bill O’Reilly (GUH) is on Letterman, as is one of my favorite new bands, The Lumineers; President Obama is stumping for votes on Obama; Axl Rose — who apparently didn’t embarrass himself enough over the weekend — is on Kimmel; Susan Sarandon is on Ferguson; Rod Stewart is on Kimmel; and the best Jon Stewart can do after the final debate is Dakota Meyer.