New York Times, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do. Here I was expecting to read a nice dignified culture article on your website about the latest trend in not-Manhattan Brooklyn involving chicken feet necklaces that everyone but you already knew about six months ago, when I was instead directed over to Pete Wells’ hypothetical-filled review of Guy Fieri’s new Times Square restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar.
Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are? If you hadn’t come up with the recipe yourself, would you ever guess that the shiny tissue of breading that exudes grease onto the plate contains either pretzels or smoked almonds? Did you discern any buttermilk or brine in the white meat, or did you think it tasted like chewy air? (Via)
It’s pretty funny and I respect you guys for having the balls to publish something so scathing, but Times, we’ve been there, bros. *takes off sunglasses to reflect on the good times and pies along the way* Let’s take a trip down Guy Fieri memory road. Don’t worry, we’ll stop for a piping hot plate made of fried tacos along the way.
According to UPROXX’s archives (think: a closet filled with yellowed paper, calenders from 1998 dedicated to Jennifer Love Hewitt, and tangled Christmas lights), our first mention of Guy Fieri was on March 31, 2010, when Chodin wrote, “I read ‘growth hormones, sugar…’ and suddenly I was on a deserted island eating with Guy Fieri.” If you’ll allow me to speak for him and Matt, we weren’t sure if the world was ready for Fieri yet, so we slowly eased you guys into our fascination, until Danger went all out on June 4, 2010, with this (beef) NUGGET:
Guy Fieri rolls in at the top of every show looking like the front man of a Smash Mouth tribute band, all bleach blonde spiked hair and wristbands pushed up to his mid-forearm. It’s as though he looked in the mirror one day in 1998 and said, “Well, this is certainly a timeless look,” before buying crates of Kryptonite hair gel. Once he gets inside, his personality picks up right where his style left off, saying sentences (somehow with a straight face) like, “Wow, that’s one crunchtastic ride to Flavortown!” Ugh. (Via)
And so it went, from writer to writer, from Guy Fieri driving around in his “douchemobile” to the “Guy Fieri Eating” supercut to “Guy Fieri is overcompensating” to Costco selling 14 pounds of Guy Fieri meat to “The Ballad of Guy Fieri’s Stolen Lamborghini” to Guy Fieri’s sadly fake Roadhouse remake to the Guy Fieri and Smash Mouth cookbook, all of which led to the crown jewel of our Guy Fieri collection: Bobby Big Wheel’s review of…Guy Fieri’s new Times Square restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar.
Good food is supposed to make you happy. I ate at Guy’s 12 hours ago and I feel like I need a colonic to get its grub out of me. So I’m not predicting a long run for Guy’s. You’re better off eating at the loading dock. Oh…there were misspellings on the menu, naturally. (Via)
What I’m trying to explain to you, New York Times, is that the sunburned starfish known as Guy Fieri is OURS — we’ve put in the hours, and have developed a unique relationship with the man, the myth, the donkey sauce. It’s a relationship built on hate, sure, but beneath that hate…well, there’s more hate, but beneath that hate, there’s a nice crispy layer of bacon-flavored cheese. But beneath THAT layer, there’s love and understanding. We were there for the tough times — like the Lamborghini rap video — and we’ll continue to write about him, no matter how *flips hair* mainstream Fieri coverage has become.
But seriously, if you start talking about our girl Alison Brie, there’s going to be hell to pay.