I know most of you are very popular and have many fancy and important plans on Friday nights, but for those of you who do not (or own a DVR), allow me to bring something to your attention: There is a Lifetime Original Movie on tonight titled Teenage Bank Heist. I repeat: TEENAGE. BANK. HEIST. That is the title of an actual thing that exists now, not some jackass idea I came up with after drinking too much coffee and/or bourbon. Teenage girls! Robbing banks! Like they did in that one movie! But SERIOUS! And crappier! Probably!
The trailer is below, and after watching it no fewer than five times over the past hour I have two things I need to get off my chest:
- What in the hell is going on over at Lifetime? They used to make nothing but movies about dangerous boyfriends and/or violent mothers, typically starring a former 90210 cast member. Now? They’re casting Ron Artest as a cop and Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, and making movies about teenage girls robbing banks and pulling guns on each other in the desert because people took one of their dads hostage or something. I honestly can’t decide if all this means their movie budget went up or down. I mean, I support it with all of my heart because it is a whole Hefty bag full of bonkers, but I really think it’ll take me a while to wrap my head around it. They’re basically becoming the Syfy of lady crime.
- One time on Twitter I pitched a movie called Toddler Negotiator, about a 3-year-old who starts working for the police after they see him get his way in a grocery store by throwing a tantrum. I feel like it could also work as sequel to this. Teenagers robbing banks, toddlers wearing police jackets and holding bullhorns, everyone screaming at other, etc. Ratings gold. I guarantee it.