Hello, trophy wives. I’ll be steering the Happy Endings ship while Danger’s away today, and I promise not to crash it into a dome painted like the sky, which is exactly the kind of obscure pop culture reference Happy Endings would never do, which is exactly why Happy Endings is so good. Even if only 156 people watch it every week. No wonder ABC announced yesterday that the show’s season finale will air in March.
But while its future is uncertain, its present is wonderful and full of concussions and teacup pigs and Elisha Cuthbert. ALWAYS Elisha Cuthbert. “P & P Romance Factory” wasn’t an amazing episode, despite its title, but as ever, there were dozens of one-liners that had me dying and the writers continued to find new angles on stock sitcom plots. Happy Endings is the best at taking a well-worn trope (husband hanging with the girls, wife bro’ing with the bros) and amping up the intensity to 11 (husband buys a farm animal), which is why if the show isn’t picked up for season four, I will be furious. I’m sure you other 155 fat bitches out there feel the same way.
- I guarantee “Max does Jay Leno/Jerry Seinfeld impression” has been written on the writer’s room whiteboard since day one. It can finally be crossed off. Jane’s Jack Nicholson, too.
- When I was a kid, I used to watch episodes of Roseanne and get sad that I couldn’t come up with comebacks as fast as Darlene did, so I feel Alex’s pain, when the rest of the gang is going “around the horn.”
- Never trust anyone whose name includes the word “bro.” LOOKING AT YOU, JAMES BROWN.
- “Your hand’s a turkey, bro, wild turkey” is the greatest insult ever.
- Brad, king of the segue: “Speaking of moms, I see a lot of college football fans here.”
- I fully support Rob Corddry’s quest to appear on every on TV.
- If you can spell the words that Jane rhymed with “rods and cones,” you’re a better listener than I.
- Penny looked shockingly cute in that pink helmet.
- This week’s Lines I Can’t Believe Happy Endings Slipped By the Censors: “Quaint? Isn’t that the space between a gal’s goal and her penalty box?” and “Is there a 10-inch whore here? Because that was a low blow.”
- Last Thursday we learned that Jack Donaghy coined the phrase, “You wish, pal,” and now we know that Dave’s the son of a bitch behind “down low, too slow.” If it turns out Chris Brody is the weenie mastermind who came up with, “It is what it is,” I won’t know what to believe in anymore.
- Why do sitcoms continue to make Segway jokes? Arrested Development did them all.
- The fact that Penny and Alex haven’t started a heavy metal girl group called Helsweat is not right.
- SANGRIA MOUTH IS AWFUL AND MUST BE STOPPED. It made Dave look like an angry chola.
- In a single, one-minute scene, there was a Porta-Potty cutaway, an Iron Man 2 reference, and Penny said the words “flesh-colored prescription helmet.” I love you, Happy Endings.
- BRAD WITH A TINY PIG BRAD WITH A TINY PIG BRAD WITH A TINY PIG
- Mashed Potatoes Fart Noise is the best Pauly Shore movie no one’s ever heard of.
- They totally ate that pig, didn’t they?