Lindsay Lohan Paid Off The IRS With A Loan From Charlie Sheen, As One Does

I am going to type a sentence in a minute or two, but before I do, I need all of you to promise me that you are not just going to skim over it. Nowadays, in an age when smartphones and WiFi put the whole world literally at our fingertips, we have a tendency to consume information at hyperspeed, sucking it all up like an industrial strength ShopVac, often without taking a second to try to wrap our heads all the way around it first. While this is great if you need to slap together a 10-page paper on the French Revolution over a weekend, sometimes it means that truly amazing tidbits get lost amid the noise. Please don’t let that happen here. Take a deep breath, focus, and read this two or three times, minimum, to really let it all wash over you. Deal? Great, here we go:

Lindsay Lohan paid off her $93,701 tax debt from 2009 thanks to a $100,000 loan from Charlie Sheen.

Okay, let’s unpack that a little:

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is a former child star who has faced a number of legal issues over the past five to ten years, many of them stemming from substance abuse and questionable choices in her personal life. As a result her career is in the midst of a spiral that reached new depths with the widely-panned Lifetime Original Movie Liz & Dick
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paid off her $93,701 tax debt from 2009

Lindsay Lohan has just straight-up not paid her taxes since 2009. In addition to this $93,701, she also reportedly owes $140,203 for 2010, and the entirety of her 2011 taxes, as well. But now she has started to pay them off…

thanks to a $100,000 loan

… because someone loaned her — Lindsay Lohan, an individual who didn’t pay almost a quarter million dollars in debts to the United States government, has been in and out of court/jail non-stop for a few years, and has no discernible source of new income given the state of her career — $100,000. Who in the hell would be crazy enough to do something like that?

from Charlie Sheen.

Aaaaaaaaaaand there it is.

This is kind of like the blind leading the blind, except instead of actually being blind, they’re both just super high and wearing sunglasses inside a dark nightclub, bumping into tables left and right and spilling people’s drinks on the way to the VIP.