Anyone who says that their greatest achievement is “having a beautiful baby girl” is full of it. Same for people who claim it’s escaping the projects to attend an Ivy League college. No, the greatest feat a human being can accomplish is convincing another human being to have sex with them. Especially if you’re someone who looks like Louis C.K., which is why you gotta respect the honesty of his answer to this question…
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
There’s this one girl in Oklahoma City. We had sex on New Year’s Eve. She was 19. I was about 23. She was way out of my league. Still can’t believe that one. I hope she’s O.K. now. (Via)
If I was that girl, I’d never stop talking about the time I slept with “famous comedian, I think he was on Leno” Louis C.K. I’d include it in my resume. Same with the gay guy who had sex with Alison Brie in college. Anyway, the quote is taken from a questionnaire Louis filled out for Vanity Fair‘s “Comedy Issue,” at the behest of guest editor Judd Apatow, who said he had to “sell his first born” to get Louis to participate. OH NOES then who will star in Knocked Upped: 3D: This Is 50 Is the New 40? Let’s see what else Louis had to say about death, happiness, his favorite writers, and meeting a former-Boston Red Sox pitcher.
Which living person do you most admire?
The guy I saw yesterday. He was crossing Eighth Avenue against the light. He just sauntered out into the middle of the street with cars and cabs speeding toward him and it meant nothing to him. Like he’s the only living soul and the rest of us were ghosts. I love that man, whoever he is.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I have an absolutely beautiful penis. It’s stunning in every way. God I hate my perfect penis.
When and where were you happiest?
I got Luis Tiant’s autograph at a paint store when I was nine years old. Some local paint store hired him to sit at a table for a day and autograph these leaflets advertising their special prices on paints. He looked miserable. I remember thinking, This is the best moment of my entire life and the worst moment of his. Luis Tiant was a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, by the way.
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Oh my God, you really want to hear some sh*t. I’m not answering that. Who would answer that???
If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
I mean, who has time to think about sh*t like this? I have two kids. I have sh*t to do. We have to find a middle school for next year. Sh*t is getting real. Who has time to think about what they want to do in their next life?
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Two nights ago. A hotel room in Portland, Maine. That’s right. Maine. Not Oregon. Maine.
Who are your favorite writers?
F. Scott Fitzgerald, Nicolai Gogol, Richard Wright, John Steinbeck.
How would you like to die?
Handcuffing myself to you and jumping into a cauldron of molten bronze.
What is your motto?
Never, ever, ever again agree to do anything for any magazine ever.
There goes Louis’s Guns & Ammo & Self-Loathing centerfold. Read the rest of the interview here.