American Horror Story (FX, 10 p.m.) – Season finale. On tonight’s episode, “Johnny sets out to complete his father’s work,” which, if you are like me and decided a long time ago to never watch this show because it looked scary, means absolutely nothing. Good luck, Johnny, I guess?
Workaholics/Kroll Show (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) – How did everyone feel about the first episode of Kroll Show? I thought it was okay, kind of. I have such high hopes for it, because Nick Kroll has made me laugh as hard as any comedian in the last few years (see his appearance with Chelsea Peretti on last week’s Comedy Bang Bang podcast), so I really hope the rest of the season builds from last week.
American Idol (Fox, 8 p.m.) – Eh.
Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.) – Look, I love Modern Family. I do. But I could basically just copy and paste “Phil does something that upsets Claire, Cam and Mitch deal with a calamity, and Gloria and Jay’s age and cultural differences lead to confusion” in this space every week, and I’d almost never be wrong.
Necessary Roughness (USA, 10 p.m.) – Midseason premiere. I totally forgot thing was a thing.
Pablo Escobar: El Patrón del Mal (Telemundo, 9 p.m.) – The title of this show translates to Pablo Escobar: The Boss of Evil. We should be using it to teach Spanish to high school students. Everyone would be fluent in three weeks.
Top Chef (Bravo 10 p.m.) – Tonight’s episode features sushi and fried chicken. I will probably watch it in bed at 2 a.m. and try to gnaw off my hand.
Kourtney and Kim Take Miami (E!, 8 p.m.) – E! is replaying the first two episodes of this travesty tonight, which I am only mentioning because Alex Pappedemas’ recaps at Grantland are a genuine joy to read. Don’t watch the show, just read them.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Naomi Watts and Allison Williams are on Kimmel; Michael Strahan and Jessica Chastain are on a repeat of Letterman; Bradley Cooper and Wolfgang Puck are on Ferguson; Heidi Klum and Seann William Scott are on Leno; Fred Armisen is on a repeat of Fallon; and Kathy Griffin and Blake Anderson on Conan.