Cynicism or general suckiness, that is the question. Were the commercials that aired during Super Bowl XLVII last night especially terrible because I’m an unfeeling a-hole, or because they were legitimately awful?
For instance, while the rest of the world was sobbing over the Budweiser horse ad, I was happily drinking my Sixpoint Resin, making War Horse jokes and trying to remember which company made the Cat Rodeo commercial from years ago. Maybe Super Bowl ads are like episodes of SNL: they’re never as good as they were when you were younger.
Or, again, maybe last night’s multimillion dollar crop just blew, especially these 10, which caused many a-party to grind to a halt for people to figure out what the hell was going on, followed by an audible, “WTF?” when it was done. They’re not necessarily the worst ads, but the most, well, the most Psy dancing with a bunch of pistachios.
The E*TRADE baby made his first appearance during Super Bowl XLII, and with all due respect to the very funny Pete Holmes, who voices the insufferable know-it-all, it’s time to smother the little tyke. Then again, he’ll probably become a Dead E*TRADE Baby Joke meme, and that’s even worse. What I’m saying is, hire Kate Upton instead.
#9. 2 Broke Girls
Not that I mind seeing Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs on a stripper pole, because I don’t, though “Pour Some Sugar on Me” can be officially retired from promos now, but it should have been you, CSI: NY star Gary Sinise, up there instead.
#8. 2013 Hyundai Santa Fe
Because when you think of mid-sized SUVs, you think of a band that’s ingested, snorted, and swallowed drugs by the garbage bag-full, once recorded a music video with Erykah Badu and her sister in a bathtub full of semen and blood, and released an album in a human skull. At least they got the gerbil ball?
#7. Mercedes CLA/Samsung Mobile/MiO
These were actually three of my favorite ads from the evening, but doesn’t mean William Dafoe in the “Sympathy for the Antichrist,” Better Call Saul selling a phone to Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd reenacting their bit from The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and Tracy Morgan selling an energy drink, whenever knows full well Tracy Morgan only drinks actual electricity, wasn’t weird to see during a Super Bowl.
“I’m sorry, I have an erection. I think it’s the sound of the skateboard.”
Oh man, who hasn’t raced through a desert for some coke? /rubs nose
#5. VW Beetle
Racist, not racist, who cares? This commercial guarantees at least one a-hole named Ted in your office is going to start speaking JAMAICAN, MAN today. Maybe if you’re lucky, he’ll break out his Budweiser frogs A-material.
It’s only a matter of time before someone reedits this commercial to end with, “Date rape: it’s what’s for breakfast.” Probably not the vibe Gildan (a t-shirt company? I have no idea) was going for.
That goat has seen some terrible things.
#2. Wonderful Pistachios
Your grandmother’s favorite commercial of the night. “Oh my, who is this delightful little Asian man? It’s SO funny how he dances with those pistachios. What a NUT, he is.” Sooooooooooooooooooooo 2012.
#1. Church of Scientology
This spot cost the Church $8 million (a new record), money that could have been used to finance Battlefield Earth: Back in the Goodboy. Forest Whitaker’s hair doesn’t mane itself.
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