How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.) — OK, now do Kimmy Gibbler. WHAT IF SHE’S THE MOM?
Bunheads (ABC Family, 9 p.m.) — “Michelle and Milly battle the town preservation society for the new amphitheater.” Along those lines, I would love for Amy Sherman-Palladino to write an episode of Parks and Recreation. She certainly knows her way around insane town hall meetings.
The Following (Fox, 9 p.m.) — I have nothing to say about The Following, but I do want to talk about Kate Upton, specifically that her SI cover will be “debuted” on Letterman tonight. The news was supposed to be secret, but then the Internet ruined everything. You’d think the web would have better things to do than ogle a pretty lady…
Lords of War (NatGeo, 10 p.m.) — Tonight’s episode is called “Hitler’s Buzzsaw,” the name of my future punk band.
Bang Goes the Theory (BBC America, 10:20 p.m.) — Were it only a “down” instead of a “bang.”
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Bill O’Reilly and SI swimsuit models on Letterman; James Spader on Leno; Mindy Kaling and Carl Reiner on Kimmel; Julie Andrews and Grace Park on Ferguson; John Goodman and Carmelo Anthony on Fallon; Don Cheadle and Bill Burr on Conan; George Stephanopoulos on Stewart; and Garry Wills on Colbert.