Southland (TNT, 10 p.m.) – Season Five premiere. Chad Michael Murray (One Tree Hill) guest stars on a show that already includes Ben McKenzie (The O.C.). I have feelings about this. I won’t get into them here, but just know that I do.
The Americans (FX, 10 p.m.) – Margo Martindale (MAGS!) begins a multi-episode arc tonight as a KGB officer who delivers assignments to our main characters. I have feelings about this, too, and I am happy to discuss them here: I love it. I hope she tricks everyone at the FBI into drinking poisoned moonshine and Russia wins the Cold Wa-… I mean, uh, USA NUMBER ONE!
Modern Family/Suburgatory (ABC, 9 p.m.) – VALENTINE’S DAY EPISODES, Y’ALL. Sit down with your sweetie, watch these shows, then maybe surprise her with jewelry hidden under stacks of cash. Hey, it already worked once this week.
Whitney/Guys With Kids (NBC, 8 p.m.) – Nope.
Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m.) – I have missed this entire season because I already record so many things that I’m afraid my DVR is going to melt and get all over the floor and I’ll have to go buy a mop or something. Any of you been watching it? Fill me in, por favor.
Workaholics/Kroll Show (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) – Maribeth Monroe, who plays Alice on Workaholics, has been in a sh-tload of commercials, and I finally just realized it’s her in the one DirectTV Genie ad. (Posted below.) You are welcome and/or probably knew that.
The Soup (E!, 10 p.m.) – Joel McHale seems like a pretty cool guy. Sure would be neat if we could get him for an UPROXX Live Q&A. I think that would be fun.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: James Franco, Nigella Lawson, and Fall Out Boy on Kimmel; Medal of Honor recipient Clinton Romesha on Letterman; Russell Brand and Allison Williams on Ferguson; Anne Hathaway and Lester Holt on Leno; Sarah Jessica Parker and Steve Harvey on Fallon; Dave Grohl on Colbert; and Matthew Morrison and Kathryn Bigelow on Conan.