Animal Planet has the Puppy Bowl. Now, Hallmark Channel is starting its own tradition.
The network announced Friday that it will hold the first Kitten Bowl on Super Bowl Sunday in 2014. Beginning 9 a.m. PT/12 p.m. ET on Feb. 2, 2014, Hallmark Channel’s three-hour Kitten Bowl — presented in conjunction with the American Humane Association — will feature adoptable kittens in competition.
No. Do you hear me, Hallmark Channel? NO. This aggression will not stand. I will not sit idly by while you launch unprovoked assaults on the Puppy Bowl and encroach on its rightfully obtained turf. This is Hitler and the Sudentenland all over again. What’s next? Our grandchildren trade in their puppies for kitties, and 20 years from now we’re all calling cats “Man’s best friend”? Absolutely not.
AND ANOTHER THING. A bunch of cats are going to play football? Come on. COME ON. Sure, they’re cute and fuzzy wuzzy and have adorable little kitten noses, but cats lack the general playfulness and rambunctiousness to be effective on the gridiron. I don’t even see how this will wor-…
The Kitten Bowl, an agility competition, will include an obstacle course of hurdles of varying heights, A-frame Alpine scratchers, tunnels, hoop jumps and weave poles.
WHAT? Are you kidding me? THEY’RE NOT EVEN PLAYING FOOTBALL? They’re doing a little kitty decathlon ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY and calling it “The Kitten Bowl”? Well, goddamn if this isn’t a big heaping shovel of some bullsh-t-ass bullsh-t thrown onto a 50-foot tall pile of even more bullsh-t.
That settles it. We storm the Hallmark Channel at dawn. The future of our entire way of life is at stake.
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