After dozens of misdirections and missed connections, the titular mom will FINALLY (probably) be revealed during the season eight finale of How I Met Your Mother. That episode airs on May 13th, but until then, it’s no use guessing who she is because 1) nearly 200 episodes of How I Met Your Mother is ridiculous, and 2) really, almost 200 EPISODES? Anyway, I’m one of the few people who’s still watching (and occasionally enjoying) the show, so I’ve seen all the random one night stands, would-be soul mates, and almost-prostitutes Ted’s been involved with over the years. So I feel vaguely qualified to present: The Ted Mosby Girlfriend Power Rankings.
The criteria is simple: using the extremely helpful “List of Ted’s romances” Wiki page, I’ve ranked 30 of Ted’s lady loves since season 1 by both how much I wish they were the mom, so that they’d be around more during season nine, but also by how not-awful of a person they are. The Mother and Robin are exempt because, obviously and also we know “Aunt” Robin doesn’t end up with Bob Saget. We begin with one of Ted’s, to quote Lily, “random skanks.”
Pro: Vegetarian, so she doesn’t eat at Arby’s
Con: Dislikes meat eaters so much that she’ll throw blood on them and scream, “MEAT IS MURDER.”
Pro: Still well spoken even as a senior citizen, I guess?
Con: Will cheat, will criticize, will always be a pretentious monster
Pro: Likes lasagna
Con: Hates everything else because she’s so TORTURED and DEEP, might be Garfield in disguise
Pro: Loves to laugh?
Con: Professional gambler, lives with her brother, sleeps with her brother, paid money to see The Wedding Bride
Pro: Dedicated girlfriend, passionate lover, if anything cares too much, is a policewoman so you can run red lights
Con: Cares WAY too much, stalker, prone to throwing beloved items out windows
Pro: Slaps people who say “bro” unironically
Con: Plays bass in a reggae band, probably had white girl dreadlocks at some point
Pro: Might be Ellen May in disguise, minus the drug addiction
Con: Literally so unmemorable that one might forget they already went on a blind date with her
#23. Blah Blah
Pro: World of Warcraft player
Con: On the wrong side of the hot/crazy scale, sells handbags online, Bellevue Hospital patient
Pro: Kind of looks like Minka Kelly?
Con: Isn’t named “Holly”
Pro: Paralegal at a successful company
Con: Easily mistaken for a prostitute
Pro: Makes you realize the importance of spending your life with a half-decent person
Con: Jerk to waiters, jerk to bus boys, jerk to old people, jerk to everyone really
Pro: Bubbly, fun, exuberant, bouncy, perky, gleefulness of a five-year-old…
Con: …all things that get annoying after about five minutes
Pro: An Ohio 10 (OK, a 10 everywhere)
Con: Usually not a good idea to marry the person you lost your virginity to, lives in Ohio
Pro: Can introduce you to The Captain, means well
Con: Saving the environment gets tiring after awhile, always carries a recorder around
Pro: Is cool with spending New Year’s Eve with your friends
Con: Gives off signals that seem to say let’s go on a date, actually say let’s be friends.