MLB Baseball (ESPN, 7 p.m.) — THAT HEADLINE’S FOR YOU, DANGER. The 2013 MLB season began last night, so expect six months of Danger bashing my Mets and I his Phillies. It’s funny because both teams are terrible, but the Phils are in primetime tonight, against the Braves, followed by St. Louis at Arizona.
The Following (Fox, 9 p.m.) — To The Following‘s credit, it IS hilariously awful. Watched two minutes last week, saw an idiot FBI agent get blasted by an Uzi through a door, then turned it off. A man can only laugh so hard.
Top of the Lake (Sundance, 10 p.m.) — “Secrets in Laketop bubble to the surface.” How punny.
Burning Love (E!, 10 p.m.) — Kerri Kenney-Silver guest stars as Mark’s best friend, Jay. Fun Wikipedia fact: “Kerri has had a longtime friendship with actor Nick Swardson since he was a baby, with him attending Thanksgiving dinner.” OK, it’s not so much fun as it is grammatically confusing and pointless.
Bates Motel (A&E, 10 p.m.) — Never trust a Norman. Osborn, Bates, Mailer, all monsters. Norms are cool, though.
Revolution (NBC, 10 p.m.) — “Rachel searches for a power source.” The very special airport episode of Revolution.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Shia LaBeouf and Jeff Altman on Letterman; Matthew Perry, Kristen Schaal, and the Goo Goo Dolls on Leno; Shaq and Demi Lovato on Kimmel; Alec Baldwin, Emilia Clarke, and DJ Jazzy Jeff with Fallon; Mary Roach on Stewart; and Sigourney Weaver on Colbert.